Infinite Possibillities.

I remember the night it dawned on me.........

It was the night before I moved back to Nigeria, my friends and I went out for a few drinks and reminisced on the last twelve years. Over the years, there were a lot of firsts and experiences, we changed from being Lagos boys in the UK to being English boys with Nigerian roots. It dawned on me that I had done everything that I dreamed of as a young boy (except one thing). I came to the sad realisation that nothing was fresh, nothing was new, nothing was exciting and the joy of life was lacking was lacking.

Due to my over indulgence, women lost their mystique, the parties and the carousing lost their appeal. I slowly withdrew into myself (to a great extent I still have), and spent hours analysing myself and trying to find a new avenue to the freedom to revel in the "joie de vivre". I pondered, I worried and I longed for what I had lost, then suddenly I realised that life is in stages, I experienced what a lot of men are only just being exposed to. I feel like the Pedlar of Swaffham, my destiny is right here before me, I look forward to realising it.

There always will be infinite possibillities in life, I have rediscovered the "joie de vivre. I am totally comfortable in my own skin, no airs, no graces, no insecurities.

Damn!!!!!! It is good to be me

I am where I am, to get where I should be.

And so are you.

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 16 (The Hierarchy of Race)

LADIES........

Like it or lump it, the truth is that there exists a hierarchy amongst the races of this world. We are all aware of the economic benefits of being of a certain race, however in relationships such a hierarchy exists. Whist at university, the majority of the Nigerian women would bend over backwards to have a european on their arm, they would spend hours comparing notes on what their experiences were and would make plans on how to add more to their lists. They would debase, degrade, and display a level of desperation that shocked even me (and this is me, that has been exposed to a fair amount of strange human behaviour).

I was in the refectory once, and a Nigerian girl rushed in, hurried over to her friends and said:

"GIRLS LETS MOVE, THE GREEK GUYS ARE AT THE PEN & WIG PUB"!!!

The girls rushed into the loo, put their faces on and were seen at the pub chasing after these men, and leaving with groups of them at the end of the evening. Hey! i am all for freedom and expressing ones self as one pleases, but these same girls began treating the Nigerian guys with disdain.

The next day my Greek friend said to me:

"I WILL NEVER F**K A NIGERIAN GIRL AGAIN,

THEY HAVE BIG GAPING P****Y".

I remember seeing a video of three Nigerian girls getting gang banged by a room full of onyibo boys, yet these girls would front and make any Nigerian guy that approached them sweat and prove himself to her before even listening to him.

Case 2:

Whist at boarding school there was a girl, with an extermely large posterior. Man, that girl had booty like I had never seen! She was the German boys party favour (she shagged them all)and made no bones about it. She didn't have a problem with them smacking her on the butt in full view of everyone, she was proud to have them treat her in that was. However when a Nigerian guy that happened to like her a lot attempted to hold her hand, she cussed him out. Much to the amusement of her German boys (they were nice guys and were constantly telling us about how much of a freak that she was.). Once we were in a club and one of the German lads pulled her over to us in disgust and told her off for being racist. Why? Simply because she told him that she would never touch a black man. He washed her down, stormed off and this woman had the audacity to look at us from head to toe, hiss, and stroll off to beg her man for forgiveness.

I would love to get a Nigerian woman's view on this matter, in my view there is only one race and that is the human race, I believe that we all should respect and one another as EQUALS, the hierarchy exists only in our minds, be free and just live.

The partner you are with is not a crutch (pardon the pun) or a status symbol.....................

Just a person.

My Succubus

In my chamber she was welcome as she had been before
Her form was enchanting, like the creature of ancient lore
Her touch emboldeth me, to my depth, to my core
Alas, she departed, she is my Succubus, no more.

Sex and The Single Bloke part 15 (The Paradox of Humillity)

Is humility a virtue or a vice? I often wonder, is it in human nature to be humble or does circumstance conspire to humble us. Jesus was humble, the Prophet Mohamed was humble and boorish is humble.........................................

Can Boorish truly be humble if he places himself in such exalted company? My point exactly! This so called character trait is nothing but a paradox. I shall speak of this in the context of relationships.

Case in Point:

Boy grows up in ghetto, and has struggled from day one. He meets a girl and who has lived in the lap of luxury all her life. They fall in love and decide to get married, girl's father refuses to give his blessing to the union and holds it up for four years. He eventually relents and reluctantly allows the poor man to marry his daughter. Dude is introduced to a life of luxury, and quickly becomes accustomed to it. His father-in law never misses an opportunity to put him back in his place and he is often on the receiving end of barbs and jibes from his wife's side of the family. In their presence he displays nothing but utter humility and is grateful to his condescending father in law for changing his life.

Boy meets Boorish and regales him with tales of his good life, his car, his flat and how well he has done. Unbeknown to him; boorish has a huge network of friends and is aware the man's true. Should my friend the kept man not be humbled by his beginnings and his pitiable current situation? For some reason best known to him, the mere fact that he is slipping it to a rich man's daughter has given him the right to be arrogant. Sex must be an overwhelmingly powerful force; because it has made boy believe that he is ''rich by association" (or maybe I should say ''Rich by Copulation''). This guy might one day find himself ''humbled'' by Boorish's sharp tongue if he doesn't ''humble'' quit playing the big man.

Case 2:

I once was involved with a woman or should I say girl at university, we were broke students and she was even broker than I was. We were very different, I was this kid that left Nigeria and was transported to a British boarding school and from there set out to university, and she was transferred to the UK after five or six years at university in Nigeria only to start again from her first year. We were happy or so I thought, the boor was totally unaware that his girl was a social climber and judged him based on his broke student status.

Boorish a far far from perfect boyfriend, but they always worked their problems out or so he thought. She eventually graduated and moved elsewhere to study for her post graduate degree. Whilst at this new place she made friends with a few public school girls whose fathers were very wealthy (Nigerian military men in the corridors of power) and they made a show of their wealth. They never got involved with black men (I see nothing wrong with that if it floats their boat), and would do anything in their power to get a check from the onyibo dudes (to be honest their behaviour was quite embarrassing).

She conviently forgot that her friends orientation was not too different from mine, however, due to the fact that I didn't make a show of things, she felt that she was ''better by association''. She developed a deep desire for oyinbo public school boys, and my spies told me that she was spotted trying hard to get off with a few.

''So be it''! I thought and didn't tell her a thing.

We eventually broke up and she tried repeatedly to get back with me. I bluntly refused her overtures. Now lets analyse this; I would not humble myself and take her back. This was in spite of the fact that she made me happy, and her lack of humility caused her to lose her man (she still calls me till date). Is it a virtue of a vice? Is it a natural state of mind, or a by product of circumstance? Is it good or bad for relationships?

Women like a guy with a bit of arrogance and swagger, but in a relationship that pride might prevent him from opening up to her fully. Most men like a woman with a little front, and would dump on a woman that is somewhat self effacing.

Humility............. A paradox indeed.

All this blogging has left me hungry, I'm on my way to go eat some humble pie. I wrote this last night, about someone that was once special to me, do remind me to blog about her soon.

Sex and the Single Bloke Part 14 (The Diary of a Nigerian Dandy)

Hello boys and girls, my name is L and I am a dandy. A great deal of effort goes into what you see, I work out religiously, I go for bi-weekly facials and I am always impeccably dressed. Everyone in Lagos knows me, I am a man around town, good looking, witty, charming and most importantly a humdinger in the sack. I am great with the ladies, very good looking and can charm the pants off any woman and her mother if need be. I am single and ever ready to mingle. I am in the prime of my life and presently seeking a great woman to spend the rest of my life with.

Ok truth be told; I am not successful; I have had to tighten my belt, scrimp, save and sell a considerable part of my inheritance to give off the illusion of wealth and success. My rent is due, I can barely afford the payments on my convertible Mercedes, however when the weekend comes appearances must be kept. The champagne will flow and I will regale my supplicants with tales of fictitious multi-million Naira deals that I am presently working on. My present girlfriend will do for the time being, but the main issue I have with her is that her father is not as wealthy as I would like; plus the old bastard is a shameless skinflint. I know that he might not be willing to buy us that home in old Ikoyi, plus he has two sons, so I guess that puts paid to my hopes of him putting me on the board of one or more of his companies. This girl doesn’t quite make the grade, due to the fact that the value added to my life is not be sufficient.

I am presently on the look out for a girl with a fabulously wealthy father, dear God please don’t let it come too late. I am already 33 and my waist is getting wider, goddamn that Boorishmale I wonder how that man still looks 25 even though he will soon be 31. My looks are fading, my Mercedes hasn’t been serviced in a long time and the various club owners in Lagos are bugging me to pay for all that Cristal I bought on credit.

When I find that rich girl, I will progressively make her dependent on me, I will make her insecure and slowly erode her confidence with my well timed put downs and eventually she will feel that no other man will have her. On my wedding day I shall dance and celebrate, my crew of “friends” will join me on the dance floor and we will shake our ashy, flabby, hairy, wrinkled and blistering asses (volcanic hemorrhoids coupled with genital warts are a bitch) whilst doing the electric slide. I will be sure to wear a Cheshire cat grin as the wedding gifts are announced.


What can I say? Now that will be a “value added” relationship.


WHO SAYS GUYS AREN’T GOLD DIGGERS TOO?


What has happened to our society? The Nigeria I left is not the Nigeria I met. What happened to us? We are on the path to destruction; we have become so obsessed with wealth, status and propagating a poor imitation of a foreign class system that cannot translate to this society. The knock on effect of all this is that we are damaging the institutions that MUST be respected. What does marriage mean to us? How could we forget that marriage is the very foundation upon which any good society is built? What will become of us if we all follow this path? Why can’t we realize that we owe it not just to ourselves, but to society at large to love and respect one another? Imagine what will become of the next generation if we don’t make a change, I foresee a future of dysfunctional families and young boys and girls growing up without proper role models. I am a man, a true man and I am aware of my responsibilities and the greatest of them will be to lay a good example to my kids and all the other children in my sphere of influence. I wish to get married for the right reasons, and it dumbfounds me that so many people cannot see the damage that is being done.

Why we see that we are destroying ourselves, we are damaging our women and our women are wrecking us, so if you are a gold digging dandy, you must realize that your actions have very far reaching effects. Maybe I am just a silly idealist but my heart truly bleeds. A change must be made.

We must dare to invent the Future.

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 13 (On Mercenary Mistresses.)

On Saturday night I received a phone call from one of my good female friends and it went this way:

''Boorish what is going on?''

''I'm at home watching Pan's Labyrinth''

''Why are you at home?'' She asked. ''Shouldn't you be out in town?''

''Can't be arsed''

''Look Boorish, I hope you realise that you are very eligible and there would be so many girls out there that would love to be with a man like you.''

''Gaddemit woman, worrahell did you just call me?''

''Boorish calm down i didn't insult you''

''Kindly repeat what you just said to me''

''I called you eligible''

''Eligible?'' I asked. ''Eligible for what''

''Oh, come on Boorish don't play dumb.''

''To what do I owe the honour of this new found status."

My friend gave me a good number of reasons, but not one of them was to do with character. So what is this eligibility? Does it simply afford you the opportunity of mating with more mercenary mistresses? I am definitely not a social butterfly, I have a huge network of friends, but the last thing I want is to be a man around town, so I guess my new found eligibility will not garner me any further social points.

A recurring theme in my conversations with women is the issue of potential. I have heared it time and time again:

''I cannot marry a man who does not have the potential to be rich''.

I marvel at the arrogance of these women, they set so many standards and requirements for the man, but can they really judge the level of a man's potential? Fortune is capricious and she may smile on the most unlikely of pretenders. Can these women truly be sure that the image put forth by these men with potential might just be a charade? I could easily lie to a woman and spend large amounts of money on her and give off the illusion of wealth, and she would not be in a position to know better. All she would be taken with is the ''potential'' that is before her.

So if these women are so quick to put these conditions on their affection, I wonder why the hell they are still single. I had the misfortune of interacting with a rather crude and bush unmarried 35 year old. All she was talking about was what the man must have, the sort of family he must come from and how long his dough must be.

I don't mean to be nasty, but that chick has totally missed the boat, she mentioned family, but she had no living parents and came from a rather poor background (which generally doesn't matter, but it seemed to matter to her a great deal). She lacked sophistication, but still aspired to marry above her station, so much so that she turned down all offers from those she judges as unworthy, and is still single today.

Eligible? Worthy? I don't care about these labels....................

Simply judge me on my character.

Sex and the Single Bloke part 12

LADIES!!!!!!!!!


What ever happened to the doctrine of a good top and tail splash (or as my Yoruba brethren call it............ TAMBA)?

What has gone wrong? Why have we neglected this all important bit of knowledge that has been passed down to us by the ancients?

A good tamba never fails...........

Don't be found wanting...........

CASE IN POINT: Whilst at university, I dedicated an inordinate amount of time towards getting close to this really gorgeous Indian chick. I tried hard to win her over but my efforts were rebuffed and she wouldn't put out, being a horny young man of nineteen, I gave up and started seeing another girl.

About a week after i gave up on her, I was in a club drinking champagne.........
OK, truth be told, It was eighties night at the student union, I was dancing to Ghostbusters whilst sipping on my 80p pint of watered down Fosters Lager (how I loved the Amber Nectar) and Miss India walks up to me quite tipsy (in fact she was totally rat arsed).

One thing led to another and i was at her apartment kissing and grinding on her. I felt I was in heaven, here I was finally about to sleep with the object of my desire. I pulled off her top and kissed her nipples, she took mine off and did the same to me. I yelped, cooed, shrieked, sobbed and spanked her for being naughty.

She proceeded to un-button her jeans, took them off and laid down and begged me to lay the pipe.

I did not need another invitation, I paused for a moment and gazed at her sweet smooth skin whilst she writhed in her sparking white thong, I grabbed her thong and slowly pulled it off, as it came off, I observed that she was clean shaven, but for a little runway of hair. OK people, truth be told, it was more like a brown a Mohawk.

Much to my curiosity I made the observation that the hair seemed not to end, it extended much further than normal.

I rubbed my eyes and looked closer....................

I recoiled in terror and let out a shriek not unlike that made by a wounded animal. I cursed my luck and nearly shed tears. I still remain traumatised by the fact that the long hair i thought i saw in her little booty was actually a thin trail of poo........ What followed was that i ran to the shower, recoiled into a foetal position and attempted to wipe the tears from my eyes. Unfortunately as my hands were within sniffing distance, i realised that she had unfortunately branded me with her scent... (day old curry)!!!!!!!!



I have composed a little poem to commemorate this post:

AN ODE TO TAMBA

It feels so good when I go to the loo.

Go to the loo, sit down and poo.

From the toilet to the shower the stage is set.

To crouch down low and get my bum bum wet.

Dance, dance to the beat of the samba.

And celebrate the virtues of the tamba.

Sex and the Single Bloke part 11. The Illusion of beauty.

''Boorish when will you get married?''

''Boorish your boys are all married with kids''

''Boorish stop playing around and settle down''

Boorish have you gotten a girlfriend yet?''

I hear this shit all the time, so much so that when I see my parents and some old friends I know exactly what is coming.

Why am I not married?

None of your bloody business you nosey so and so.

Why am I not settled?

What makes you think that I am not settled?

Is marriage the single way of judging a man's state?

Are you happy in your marriage?

SPARE ME THE BULL CRAP.

Case in point: My friend has been married for a couple of years, every time we meet up for drinks, the poor blighter never wants to go home.

''That woman is driving me crazy''

''That woman is so fat''

''Yesterday I got home and she was wearing a pair of ratty tracky bottoms and was smelling of egusi''

''Oh! Man! I haven't had good sex in a year, she repulses me, I hate her''.

''I should divorce her''.

''How can I divorce a woman that has given me such a beautiful child''.

''Boorish, she bores me''.

''She is not the woman I married, she has turned into a monster''.

''Boorish have a child, but don't keep a woman in your house''.

I hear the poor bugger come out with all these complaints daily, to be perfectly honest his wife is a babe, but he was caught up in how gorgeous she was and give little thought to how compatible they were. As far as I am concerned the illusion of beauty can be the one of biggest sources of disappointment in life.



Imagine getting married to this absolutely gorgeous person, on the surface this person has everything you ever dreamed of, you date for a year, spend a lot of time together and eventually get married. A month into marriage you notice that your spouse has the habit of recycling her flaky, crusty and skid marked underwear because she is too spoilt to give them a wash (true story, my friend eventually had to load dozens of thongs into the bath tub and wash them himself........... talk about being emasculated).



Imagine getting married to a babe with what appears to have a gorgeous body, you are totally taken aback by her hips and booty, she makes you wait before you finally win her over, (in reality, she had some other dude sorting her out on the sly). You hook up and get married, then you realise that her booty that looked so inviting in those apple bottomed jeans is in fact cellulite city, her small waist was in fact enhanced by a body shaper, she wears a girdle, her breasts look like deflated rugby balls and she wears a wonder bra.

Are there really babes?

Some might look good with all that make up on, but once it all comes off, the pimple scars show, her glass eye might get a little wonky, you might not like the sight of her coffee stained false tooth soaking in cleaning solution by your bed. Her weave has the thickest, smelliest, dandruff coated thicket of undergrowth propping it up.

Is she still a babe then?

I need something more than just a pretty face or a woman that looks good on my arm, beauty is just an illusion, (but I love it so).

Sex and The Single Bloke part 10. Show some respect gaddemit.

Call me stubborn, call me stiff (no pun intended), call me conceited, call me obnoxious, hit me, spank me (oops!, kindly disregard that), have me hung drawn and quartered. I don't care, I will forever speak my mind.

Why is it that women feel that they manipulate and treat men like crap, simply because they feel they have something that he wants?

Case in point: the other day I received a phone call and it went this way:

"Boorish, I'm horny, come over and pick me up"

"What?"

"Boorish come on, I want you"

''OK lets get this clear, YOU are horny, and YOU want me to cut short my quality time and drive over to your place and sort YOU out?''

Said boorish, wondering if he was hallucinating.

"Worrashit woman are you for real?''

"What is that supposed to mean boorish? ''After all you wanted this not too long ago''.

''Yes I felt the urge ONCE, but you were fronting, probably because you had some dude slipping it to you at that point in time''. Said boorish, clearly bemused at the arrogance of his friend.

''You are nothing but an idiot boorish, an arrogant idiot''.

''Sweetheart, do you think that because you have a hole between your legs, that I will put all aside to make my way across Falomo bridge and pleasure you?''

What about my needs?''

''I am not gagging for it at present, so you should have asked nicely and maybe I MIGHT have considered it''.

She dropped the phone and didn't speak to me for a couple of days, we have since made up, and sex is most definitely not on the agenda.

Ladies, why is it that you believe that all men are rabid, sexually incontinent beasts? OK, I must admit that most are, but you must view us without prejudice. I have never and will never beg, grovel or pander to a woman to get in her pants. The reality of it is that you all need it just as much as we do. Which of you wouldn't much rather be bent over the couch with a nice stiff one in you as opposed to what you are doing now (if you are getting some, good for you)?

I have never had much trouble attracting women, admittedly I am a rather good looking fellow, I just happen to like the women that are honest, not manipulative, mature and will give a brother a fair chance without dragging him over hot coals to prove his worth. I am not saying that I like an easy shag, what I am saying is that there is no need for games. Simply keep it real and be confident enough not to get an ego boost out of the fact that he happens to like you.

As sung by New Edition: 'easily you can be left alone, tighten it up, before you find yourself by yourself''.

SHOW SOME RESPECT GODDAMIT

Sex and the Single Bloke Part 9 (Never Make Her Past an Issue)

I strongly believe that everyone deserves a second chance, the past is gone, it matters not what she has done, all that matters is what she does from the moment you choose to be together. Everyone deserves their privacy, but when it matters, honesty is of utmost importance. Neither he nor she should make the past an issue, before I tell you my story, let me tell you about Hassan. I once had a friend and flat mate (lets call him Hassan), who got involved with a girl that claimed to be a virgin (lets call her Virginia). Hassan and Virginia were the couple of the year, our very own budget Posh and Becks, in the summer they were seen feeding each other ice lollies. At the karaoke club they did irreparable damage to our eardrums whilst warbling Celine Dion hits whilst looking into each other’s eyes. One day Hassan came to my room with tears in his eyes.

“What gives?” I asked with a worried look on my face.

“I am so honoured”, he said. “Virginia has chosen me to be her first”

“I must make it special for her”

“I love her”


Hassanwas a good guy, but ever so naïve, we went out and bought scented candles, massage oil, astroglide (lube) and must surprising of all violin strings.

‘Violin strings?’ I thought to myself. ‘Freaky buggers’.


Later on that evening, Virginia came around and I went off to see a movie.


“Let them have their privacy” I thought to myself


I finished at the cinema, arrived home and to my great surprise Hassan had not drawn his curtains, and there he was playing his bloody violin, with his eyes closed and Virginia was sitting there with a bemused look on her face.

“What a bloody idiot”, I said to myself as I made my way to my local pub.

I sat down, ordered a pint of Hoegaardenand a packet of crisps. I knew I was in for a long night, so I made myself comfortable and prepared myself for consuming copious amounts of booze. A couple of hours later I heard the fishwife pub landlady screech:


“Last call for alcohol”


I passed on a further drink, as I was rather pickled after downing five pints of beer. I made my way home and much to my pleasure Hassan's curtains were drawn. I got home and made my way towards my room, and to my surprise I saw Hassan and Virginia (fully clothed) slow dancing to ‘Tonight I celebrate my love for you’, by Roberta Flack and Peebo Bryson. By this point in time I’d had enough of their stupidity, I went to my room and fell asleep.

I was suddenly awakened by a loud scream, and the entire flat was shaking and shuddering.

I ran out of my room (I sleep in the buff, and had only managed to grab my boxer shorts). As I got to the living room it occurred to me that the noises were coming from Hassan’s room. I listened closely, and much to my horror above the banging and crashing and spanking noises was Virginia’s voice:



“Screw you Hassan”

“Ride me like a pony”

“Ooh Hassan”

“Use me”

“Spank me you dirty bugger”

“I’m your bitch”

“You are the best”


“Best?” I thought to myself. “Shouldn’t she say first?”


It occurred to me that my plonker of a friend was dating a chick with a great deal more experience than he had. The next day I saw Hassan cooking scrambled eggs and singing to himself.

“Boorish did you hear us last night? “I am so lucky, for a virgin she was so damn fiery, she almost killed me”.


“Virgin?” I laughed to myself. “More like fucked”

Hassan eventually found out that Virginia had her fair share of lovers, and her lies ruined what could have been a wonderful relationship. So what if she had been around the block a few times? Why is sex such an issue? Why was she so bothered about her past that she chose to deceive the man? He would have accepted her if she hadn’t lied.

Here is my experience:

I always say forgive the past and look towards the future. I am a grown man, and I owe no one any explanations for my choices, my beliefs were tested when I had a slight disagreement with a dude and he said to me:

"I f..ked your girl the day after I met her"

I was far from happy with what happened, and a part of me wished to resent her for bringing me such embarrassment (it took place at a public gathering). However I rationalized it this way; it was not her intention to embarrass me, in fact she didn’t know me when she had the one night stand with the fool. I rose above the childishness exhibited by the man (I was six years younger than he was) and calmly walked away. I developed a great deal of respect for my girl that night because she had already told me about the guy, she was honest and that was all that mattered to me. I went to the pub to clear my head, I had a few stiff drinks, made my decision and went over to her place that night. As soon as she opened the door, I gave her a bear hug, pulled her into her room and shagged her rotten. The next time we both went out, I put my arm around her waist and held her close as we walked into the gathering. I showed them all that I will always stand by my decisions, I cared about her in spite of her failings. She was honest about her past I had no choice but to respect that.

I never told her what the man said to me........................

I understand that not every man shares my views, and there are men out there that are involved with women that they do care for, they are having a hard time dealing with her past. If you cannot handle it, let her down easily and walk away. It will be most unfair of you to keep reminding her of her 'mistakes' (to me, there are no mistakes, only research)



The past is immaterial, don’t make it an issue.

Happy Anniversary

Happy anniversary to you, Happy anniversary to you!!!!!

Happy anniversary my Valkyrie, five years of a happy marriage, two lovely kids and a great husband, I must say you have done well for yourself. It seems like almost yesterday that you called me to tell me he proposed to you, sorry I missed your wedding.

This is just to let you know that I have forgiven you for swatting me over the head with a fish slice and making me dive out of my kitchen window to escape another hit. I had just shaved my dreads off and you had such a wicked aim, you got me right on the ogo. I know it wasn't nice coming across that picture of the naked onyibo girl in my bed, I still maintain that the picture was taken after we broke up. You really ought not have been going through my stuff anyway, afterall we had stopped being an item a year before.

I have forgiven you for turning my family against me, I will never forget arriving home from work last year only to find you in a deep conversation with my mother and two of my sisters.

"Mummy would you believe that Boorish told me he was just going out to buy newspapers and he didn't come back for three days"

"Mummy would you believe that Boorish had three other girlfriends within a five minute radius of my house"

I forgive you for spiking my drink and laughing at me when I started hearing the lamposts speak , and then seeing a tartan coloured snake slither down the high street.


Happy anniversary my Valkyrie, even though we barely see each other, thanks for being my friend.

I know you read this blog, and your suspicions were right, it is me.

Have a good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 8 (The law of attraction)

We instinctively know whether or not we find a person attractive enough to take them to bed. In as much as we may try to rationalise these things, we must accept that the single law governing attraction is far from rational. From the slight sway in her hips, to the curve of her neck, to the the scent of her perfume and finally to extent to which you choose to explore that person's body, these things are governed purely by instinct.

I have learned that it is an absolute waste of time chasing after members of the opposite sex. Why? You may ask, simply because if that person finds you in anyway attractive, she will make it obvious enough to you, as is said in Lagos today "no long thing". I have been in situations where women I was casually involved with have been dropped over at my place by their toasters and picked up the following morning by these same men. I have been invited over for dinner at their homes, only to be told that their toasters footed the bills for the food (I never could bring myself to eat though). I have experienced women in commited relationships inadvertently leting me know that if i was to jump them, they might not put up too much resistance (it doesn't mean they did not love their partners). Most men are under the misguided notion that time and circumstance are the ultimate arbiters of who a woman chooses to sleep with. Yes they do play a part, but in my view the ultimate arbiter of who she chooses entirely depends on who gets her juices flowing. If she says that she isn't sure, or that she needs time, then my brother she probably doesn't want you enough. Sure, she might enjoy your company, she will probably enjoy the attention and if you stick around long enough she might just sleep with you if she is horny or lonely enough, maybe if you plead with her to a great extent, her compassionate nature might compel her to administer a pity screw, but the bottom line is that you are and probably will remain way down in her pecking order.

Human beings tend to rationalise their actions following the act, a purely physical sexual encounter, may become an emotional one just because of some need to justify what has taken place. Hence, a man that a woman has kept hanging for six months (and in those six months she enjoyed the company of men she truly desired) might suddenly seem like a boyfriend following a unexpected roll in the hay. That is the way it is, it is the way it has always been and it is never going to change. Hence I make no bones about making my interest known to a woman from the very start, it is her choice. if she takes the bait, great, if not I let her be, and stay friends...........................


"No long thing".

If You Dont believe in Karma, Read This.

Last month, I blogged about the chap that worked against me (http://boorishmale.blogspot.com/2007/05/you-worked-against-me.html), I just found out that he was fired from his job this morning. Apparently he was pressuring young girls from humble homes into sleeping with him or else (according to him), they had no hope of gaining employment at the bank. Apparently his favorite words were "I hold the key to your future in my hands". Unfortunately for him he picked on the wrong girl who not only refused to play ball (or should I say balls), but had an uncle that is close friends with the MD of the bank in question.

I have a policy of not gloating or laughing at another man's downfall, but I cannot find it in my heart to feel sorry for him. I pity his children and his wife, as they had no hand in the matter, but the scumbag got what he deserved. The MD of the bank has vowed that he will not get employed anywhere in this country again...............................

God bless him.

Sex and the Single Bloke Part 7 (The Rules of Engagement).

I have been single ever since my last girlfriend tried to set me on fire three years ago. My single status is not down to lack of opportunity, but due to certain things that my potential mates seem to lack, my angst had led me to draw up certain dating faux-pas which have nipped potential relationships in the bud. I pray you all read without prejudice and keep an open mind. If any of you have broken any of the rules of engagement previously, you might just have a certain boor to thank for putting things right and preventing further howlers.

Rule 1: Be yourself.

On too many occasions I have dealt with women trying their possible hardest to impress and making absolute prats of themselves. I remember going out to dinner with a Naija babe. She was very pretty and carried herself really well; (or so it seemed) however she was an extremely pretentious Europhile, and was of the impression that I would be impressed by her supposed level of exposure.

"Oh Boor, I love this restaurant" she said as we were shown to our table. "It reminds me of when I had escargot on the Champs-Élysées".

Gaddemmit woman, you ruined a great date for the boor, for crying out loud couldn't you have just said that you once went to a great restaurant in Paris that served great snails? You are razz, in my view razzness is poverty of the mind, razzness is trying to be what you are not.

Escargot ko’, Egbin ni.

On another occasion I attended a house warming at my newlywed friend’s home. It was a nice party, filled with real intellectual types, and would have been a great evening, but for my date. The discussion at the table centered on how the UK and the US seemed to be inching towards totalitarianism and how civil liberties were gradually being eroded.

My date (pretty girl from The Cape Verde), felt she had to contribute, and from that moment things went wrong.

“I agree that our civil liberties are being snached away from us”.

“We are constantly being watched, CCTV cameras everywhere, and we are being conditioned by the media to accept it”.

“Why do you say that?” Asked my host. As the attention of the entire table turned towards my date.

“Don’t you watch Big Brother?” Asked my date, growing more confident with every word she spoke.

“Sam Rockwell wrote a book called Big Brother in which, he tried to warn us against accepting such.

Worrahell woman, you mean George Orwell and the bloody book is called 1984.

Olodo Oshi.




Rule 2: Do not break the crap barrier.

Please women give the dude six months of grace before you feel free enough to lay a hot loaf in his loo, by then he ought to like you enough not to mind you either cutting cheese or dropping the kids off at his pool at his pool. My unfortunate experience was with an English chick I had only just started dating. Boorish was on a high, this was someone that finally seemed to get his sense of humor, she invaded my space and I couldn't get enough of her. She was pretty, intelligent, eloquent and so damn well mannered (or so it seemed). Our fourth date, was a Friday night and I invited her back to my place, she got comfortable, and agreed to stay over.

"Great". I thought. "We have all night, no need to rush things".

We had more to drink, flirted a fair bit and decided to retire for the night, I put on the slow music, kissed her a little and left to take a shower (I needed to be fresh and clean). I got back and there was a strange whiff in the room;

“Oh no!” I said to myself. “She ought to have avoided the Brussels sprouts”

It was in the middle of winter so I just couldn't open a window and let air in, therefore I was faced with two choices. I could either grit my teeth and bear it, or burn some incense in the room. I decided to go for the incense, however the pungent mix of fart and incense was deadly, and the mixture formed a hallucinogenic more potent than LSD. I felt myself beginning to trip and suddenly I could understand the meaning of the lyrics of ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’ by the Beatles, I was settling into my psychedelic journey when I heard a voice say:


"I need to shower as well hun" she said, trying hard to hide her embarrassment.

I led her to the shower and left her to it, twenty minutes went by and still no sign of her, so I decided to make sure all was well. I got there just as she was leaving the shower, she hugged me and offered to give me a massage. I had no massage oil, but I figured that baby oil would be a good enough substitute. I went looking for it in my medicine cabinet, only to be confronted by a sight which has stayed with me since then. A sight so terrifying, that I constantly woke up screaming for three weeks afterwards, a sight so traumatizing that I fell to my knees screaming NOOOO!!!!


My date left a little pebble dash in my loo.


Rule 3: Do not argue over money.

I once dated a Naija babe that made a ritual of laying an ambush for me every payday, she was so damn selfish, and refused to acknowledge the fact I was trying to save money. I sure as hell wasn’t miserly towards her, but she always wanted more. The final straw was when she put me in African handcuffs; The Boorish English Dictionary defines the African Handcuff as: Traditional restraint practiced by African women, usually against errant husbands). The interesting thing about African handcuffs is that the restrainer does not actually put the restrainee’s hands in cuffs, but rather the restrainer holds the belt of the restrainee and secures her grip by grabbing his collar as well.

“That woman had better not start something today”.

Boorish said to himself, in spite of his chutzpah; he had a strange sense of foreboding and in the back of his mind knew that the she-devil would bare her fangs once again. The omens stated the obvious and it seemed his sixth sense was warning him of something ominous in the offing. Beads of sweat poured down his face and the hairs on his back stood on end as he approached his home.

“Why does this happen every payday?”

All of a sudden boorish experiences the fight or flight reflex as he sees the terrifying sight of his girlfriend outside his door with her arms akimbo and her face like thunder.

“Boorish, I want that goddamn Birkin bag I pointed out last month”.

“Boorish, I cannot believe you have pushed me to this point”

“Boorish why didn’t you take the initiative and buy the bleeding bag?”

“Boorish, today is payday and you have no choice”.


Boorish he was ready to repel the attack, but she was too well trained in physical combat (by her own mother). She was as stealthy as a Tigress moving in for the kill, and as quick as Mary Onyali on coke. She assumed the tiger stance and applied the African hand cuff to boorish.

The relationship didn’t last much longer.


Rule 4: Don’t overdo the fronting:

One of the first rules of negotiation is that you should never price yourself out of a deal. Why do some women love teasing? Why do they feel that the worse they treat a man, the more interested he will be? Why do they feel they must keep a man hanging? Why must they end the conversations abruptly and maintain this upper hand that only exists in their heads? The truth is that you can keep a man interested and show a keen interest in him without putting him off. If you are interested, be interested and don’t play games.

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 6

What has this world come to? Are we so hung up on material things that we have lost touch with what is most important? I don't care where the woman is from, if I love her so be it. She could be a top city executive or flipping burgers in McDonald's, in so far as I am happy with her, so be it. I have had a few women try to use money as a means of inducing me to either marry them, or at least get serious about them. Here are two amusing stories from my catalogue.


I was once involved with a very good looking chick, and she felt that I was her final bus stop, one fine day I got a phone call from her mother (who I had never met before).

"Hello my son"

"Good afternoon, may I kindly know who is speaking please?"
"This is Mrs. ........"

"My daughter wishes to marry you, I have seen your photograph and I must say you appear very interesting"

"I hope you realise that my family is very influential, and you need not worry about anything, except worshipping your God".

"My son I saw you in my dream, and I saw you and my daughter returning to Nigeria and starting a business of your own, you need not worry i will make it possible for your love to grow".

I was dumbfounded and for once in my life I didn't have a thing to say, from that moment on I knew I had to get out of the friendship I shared with her daughter. The straw that broke the camels back was, one night i was sleeping and I awoke suddenly, to be confronted with the sight of the girl kneeling over me, holding a bible. Rocking back and forth as if in a trance with her eyes tightly shut. I heared the words:

"In the name of Jesus I bind thee as my husband"

"Yeee!!!!" "God I am finished"

I screamed grabbing the bible from her, running out of her house in my boxer shorts clutching the bible to my chest.

"I rebuke it, I rebuke it in the name of Jesus".



I had a brief dalliance (due to extreme boredom) with a chick whose father was apparently wealthy. In truth it was forgettable on most counts but she had a good heart and I felt that someday when it all fizzled out we would be great friends. Unfortunately for me this woman became somewhat obsessive in her belief that I was destined to be her husband. So much so that one day she called me and begun spinning a yarn about how successful er father's company is and how she is being fast tracked towards running the show soon. Much to my great surprise, she mentioned that chances were that she would cede running the company to her husband, due to the fact that a man would be better suited to running the outfit.

"what does that have to do with me" I asked, sincerely hoping that she wasn't implying what I thought she was.

"I sincerely hope that you are not using your father's wealth as an inducement" I stated angrily.

From that moment onwards i felt nothing but revulsion towards her, the sad thing is that I know a lot of men that would have jumped at the opportunity. I stopped sleeping with her and kindly asked her to leave me alone, I was subjected to months of stalking and a borderline sexual assault. Eventually she backed off.

Money is nothing but a visitor, and with all visitors the length of time it spends is entirely dependent on how you treat it. I believe that nothing handed to a man belongs to him, a man must earn and toil for his daily bread, there are no short cuts to success. I accept no favours, be it from my family or any person, I am destined for success and it will be from the sweat off my back and not from any wealthy benefactor.

I won't be blogging for a little bit, so I've left a fair bit to be read. Have a good one peeps........

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 5

Man's timid heart is bursting with the things he must not say,

For the Woman that God gave him isn't his to give away;

But when hunter meets with husbands,

each confirms the other's tale

The female of the species is more deadly than the male.

Rudyard Kipling

The Female of The Species.

One of my favorite poems is The Female of The Species by Rudyard Kipling, he spoke of different species in the animal kingdom and yes he spoke about us human beings too. I am inclined to agree with him, however I'd much rather state that the female of the species can be more deadly that the male. Why do I say this? In my view, in the age long battle of the sexes men have won by using brute force whilst women have had to compensate by putting their wit to good use. Nigerian society is patriarchal, and the men are generally smothered by women and brought up to believe that the world belongs to them. They are typically testosterone driven, competitive, macho and very childish creatures. They pride themselves on the number of women they can bed and do not bother to take a peek behind the curtain that separates men from women. Fellas if you consider yourself a player, i suggest you think deeply about this statement I was told age seventeen by a close female friend of mine, she said: "who is the player?" "Is it the person who convinces himself that he is smarter that everyone else or the person that keeps quiet, observes and proves that he is smarter?"

What brought this about? My friend lost her virginity to her considerably much older boyfriend, she was head over heels in love with him and was convinced that one day he would marry her. The dude in question fancied himself as a bit of a player, he slept with a few of her friends behind her back and was extremely smug about it. She eventually found out, and rather than lose her head about it, she kept quiet and schemed to bring him down a notch or two. My friend was very cerebral, what we had in common was that we both saw things a little differently that most other people. She slept with each and everyone of his close friends, she somehow manage to convince them that it was them that she actually loved and her boyfriend was mistreating her. so manipulative and convincing she was that they took the bait hook, line, and sinker. At social gatherings, she would sit there in their midst and they were all non the wiser. Eventually when she tired of them she moved on and till date i have no idea if they ever found out what went on or not.

The moral of the story is that women are a little more cunning than we are, hence i don't rock the boat. I give them their due and try my possible best not to view the world from the typical male standpoint. I must say, things are never quite what they seem.

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 4

I have noticed that in Naija guys make a strict distinction between the good girls and the bad girls, I have tried my best to come to terms with the grounds on which this distinction is made. I have realised that more often than not the guys ought to open their eyes a little. How can they equate a girl that has had her share of boyfriends with a girl that goes to the clubs selling her booty for money? How can they equate a girl that explored when she was young with a total and complete shag merchant, to whom sex is nothing but an act and you might as well shake her hand? I place no premium on a woman’s supposed virtue, I strongly believe that a woman’s virtue is mans greatest invention. So dudes, kindly refrain from calling her a hoe, a hoe is a woman whose story you just happen to know a thing or two about. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe this woman you have chosen to malign might just have been one you would have regarded had it not been that she played around in your social group? Maybe your own girlfriend or wife might have been some others dudes “hoe” at some point. I keep hearing guys come up with hair brained statements such as “my girl isn’t a hoe because she made me wait”, “she is decent because I worked hard for her”. What rubbish, a woman is free to sleep with whoever she chooses, just because she made you wait doesn’t mean that she lives her life that way, it could mean that you weren’t her spec and she just kept you around because she enjoyed the attention. Maybe all the while you were texting and calling she was giving it up to the dudes that she felt were more befitting of her. If you do end up with her and you two are happy, why should it matter to you if she was gaining life’s experience elsewhere?


The main problem a lot of guys have is that they are egotistical about sex and they tend to place certain women on a pedestal and choose to malign others. More often than not, these guys are not willing to accept that their wives might not be the creatures that they want them to be. A lot of the women that I know whose men view them as such are unfulfilled both sexually and emotionally, because they feel pressured into constantly playing up to this image that their husbands have of them. A female friend told me of a friend of hers who got married to a born again Christian. After six months of having sex in the missionary position, she tried to vary things a little, unfortunately her husband nearly had a heart attack. He called her a “wanton woman” and took her for spiritual counseling. Maybe the woman you love might be submissive and would love you to dominate her sometime, does that make her any less decent? Maybe she likes things a little kinky, maybe she likes sex with different people. Who are we to judge her? We are all guilty of the same thing.


Why insult a woman that chooses to express herself and explore her sexuality? Have you ever stopped to think that your innocent girlfriend might just be repressing her inner freak, and might just sleep with that good looking cool dude at the club if he so much as spits in her direction? People are people, women are women and men are men. If you call her a hoe, you might just be insulting yourself, your mom, your sister and your wife. She is who she is, just a person. We are all hoes in some way, shape or form…… Let them live.

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 3

Horny married Naija women are an interesting breed , they have no qualms in making it obvious that all they want from you is a good time. My first encounter with a horny married chick was in the NYSC camp. Upon arrival at camp I was greeted by a cacophony of wails and histrionic hysterical behaviour. I go closer and I saw a bunch of women clinging to the gates of the camp trying to extend the little time they had left with their husbands.

"How sweet", thought Boorish as he hefted his bucket and travel bag from the car. "I pray my wife loves me just as much".

I joined the queue and observed all the poor souls that had arrived at the God forsaken NYSC camp from all corners of the country.

"As we dey so we dey suffer for Naija" Boorish thought as something strange caught his eye.

NOOO!! That can't be right, did she just take off her wedding ring?"

A week on and things were great, I was loving camp, I did all that I could to avoid the drills and spent most days consuming copious amounts of Star beer at the mammy market. One night the DJ starts playing 'Oko Ashewo' by Eedris AbdulKareem. As if on cue three married women walk in to the joint and start dancing. What was most worrying was that they had converted their white sports shorts into hot pants and their orange peel, cellulite city, wobbly arses were hanging out of the bottom of their shorts. The were booty shaking, backing it up and most shocking of all they were making it wobble.

"Oh! Lord" I thought to myself, "I understand backing it up and booty shaking but or heavens sake, how can a married woman stoop so low as to make it wobble?" At this point I knew the world was coming to its end.

Trust me these shameless rabid married chicks ended up leaving with a young dude in tow. Sadly one of them was the one of he women crying her eyes out at the gate when I initially got to camp.

"Boorish why are you posing for me?" Asked a married woman in the last few days of camp, (it was actually the bonfire night). "Is it because you know I like you?"

I was speechless, I used to talk to this chick a lot and she even introduced me to her husband on visiting day. Granted I spotted her a glint in her eye a few times, but I thought nothing of if. Granted she seemed to try and spend all her time with me, granted she cried on my shoulder a lot and always seemed to hug me crotch first, but this was too damn brazen for a married chick.

"Come boorish, lets got somewhere with less people"

"Why should we go elsewhere?" I asked hoping to embarrass her into backing off.

"Don't be shy, I'll suck you dry"

I nearly shed tears for humanity, I am not usually shy but in this case i had to stare at the floor, I gave my excuses and left, praying not to ever experience such again. Unfortunately the beast reared its ugly head and I had an even more traumatic experience with an old decrepit married chick that was hoping to make me her toy boy.

One of my best female friends invited me to a family gathering of hers, I hate to disappoint my people and made every effort to be there. In spite of the fact that I was suffering from a migraine I dug deep and made my way to her place. I got there and she came over to welcome me, she was looking gorgeous and I found myself wishing I had been the one that took her down the isle (she was one of those that got away.) We hugged and pecked each other on the cheek, as we did that I noticed a rather over weight woman watching us closely, looked again and realised that it was my friends mother. Later on that evening, I was slightly drunk and stepped outside to receive a phone call. As I made my way into the house I heared a voice say:

"Is that the young man I saw kissing my daughter?"

"Yes Ma, it is"

"Don't be silly, don't call me ma, you are making me feel old, come over here and have a chat with me"

I walked over and all I could smell was stale booze and cigarettes on her breath.

"Make sure you injure all these young girls out here" She said with a serious look on her face. "Make sure you pierce them all, when I was young I had a good time."

I already felt uncomfortable, but things took a turn for the worse, she rubbed my butt and pinched it firmly. It was bloody painful, as she had extra long talons as nails. I yelped, jumped back and excused myself, as she laughed, lit up a cigarette and poured herself another glass of Guinness stout.

"Get thee behind me, thou art a daughter of Jezebel"

I thought to myself as I left the room.

I met my friend at the door, and she immediately looked worried.

"I hope my mom behaved herself" she said, looking embarrassed. "She can be a bit much when she gets drunk".

What I have learnt from these experiences is that marriage is a risk, maybe your partner will cheat on you, maybe you will cheat. All we can do is trust in whoever we consider as God and hope for the best.

I shall speak on wealthy women that try to buy your affections in part 4.

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 2

I must say that Nigerian society is intensely promiscuous, however we strive hard to hide our true nature under a veneer of decency and religious piety. In my experience, young women (16-25) in this country gain a great deal more sexual experience than the men in their age group. Why do I say this? Simply because they tend to get involved with older uninhibited men who have a great deal more disposable income than the young bucks, this is coupled by the fact that women tend to mature faster than men and the prospect of dating an older bloke is far more appealing than a young dude.

These young women have the opportunity to indulge in activities that they probably never imagined. They get to live a supposedly glamorous life, where they are wined and dined in the very best restaurants, indulge in wild sex, get sold a great deal of lies and generally hang out with men that are considerably less stressful than their male counterparts. The down side of this is that these young women generally get passed around by their older friends until they expire and a new bunch of green horns take their place.

The men on the other hand begin making up for lost time time when their pockets are sufficiently large enough to give off the illusion of wealth. It is not uncommon to find a man of thirty and above just begining to truly indulge himself and explore his sexuallity. Typically, at this stage the women in their age group are either married, looking to settle or literally shagged out. Women are generally so much wiser, more experienced and more worldly than their male counter parts.

I am gratefull that I grew up in sexually permissive Europe, and being a horn-dog totally out of my system, I cannot imagine attending these wild group sex parties that seem to be the craze in Nigeria today. I don't see the point in dressing up like a pimp, grooming and pruning myself, splashing on cologne, wearing a blazer in the heat of Lagos and hitting the clubs to prey on teenage girls. I would much rather stay home watching a movie or having a quiet drink with my childhood friends, than hang out at 'pot-belly central' (La-casa) on a saturday night. No more "take-away" for me.......


How is it going peeps? I missed you all!!!!!!

Sex and The Single Bloke

Over the last year or so, I have been repeatedly invited to a weekly Friday gathering at a married acquaintance's guest house. I finally relented and attended the party that took place last Friday. There was booze in abundance and at least thirty young "students" in the air early twenties frolicking with rabid thirty something guys obviously trying hard to relive their youth (or maybe make up for a wasted youth). It was an amusing scene, and the sexual tension in the air was so damn pervasive that i half expected it to turn into a full scale shag session.

"Pick anyone you want" said my drunken host as he handed me a glass of brandy. "Enjoy man, enjoy". I laughed and thanked him for his hospitality, but in reality the prospect of sleeping with one or a few of the girls in attendance had no appeal whatsoever. Why? Simply because I cannot operate on such a base level and make the effort for just a passionless roll in the hay. What happens afterwards? Do I have anything in common with them? Can we possibly be friends afterwards? Can she introduce me to anything new? Can she add any value to my life?

Don't get he wrong I like a good shag as much as the next person, but there has to be more to it than just sex. Sex is great with the right person, where there is some form of emotion involved, especially after a year of rampant shagging and you have learnt how best to please each other. I feel we at least have to be on the same page and share somethings in common.

As I left the party, my host stumbled up to me and asked "no take away?" I laughed and told him I was too tired. However, in reality I've had my fair share of shag sessions. What can I say?I guess I am a little different from they are.


It's good to be back! :-)