Au Naturel

"Boorish call my cousin", said my fried.
"I think you two will get along"
OK, I'll call, give me her number".


Call I did, and the initial conversation lasted for hours, in the following week, our conversations got deeper, friendlier, more frivolous at times and laced with a fair amount of innuendo. On a Thursday, we agreed to have the our first shag session over the weekend. As we were both rather young (she was 23 and I was 21)we had THAT conversation.


"Boxers or briefs boorish"? She asked brimming with anticipation.

"Either boxers, tighty whiteys or I just let it all hang".

"Thongs or french knickers?" Asked Boorish as he wished under his breath that she would NOT say thongs.

"I wear big, cotton, granny panties."

"You are so funny" said Boorish, appreciating her sense of humour.

"What about grooming?" Boorish asked

""How so"

"Do you have a little Mohawk down there"? "Maybe a little runway?" "Or do you go for the bald eagle look?"

"I like it Au naturel" She said.

I hoped to god that she wasn't serious, and with a strange mix of anticipation and trepidation, I awaited the weekend.

The weekend came and i finally got to see her, she was attractive enough and appeared to take good care of herself. I hugged her and took a sneaky pick at her ears.

No ear wax, clean nails and her braids aren't stinky". Boorish thought as he let her into his student flat.

Boorish wasn't one to waste much time, after all she was there for a weekend long shag session; so they got to it. I could smell a trace of her shower gel, her perfume was fruity and rather delicious, her lips were soft and her touch was absolutely mind blowing. We has a twenty minute foreplay session and we dry humped each other a fair bit. The clothes were off and we were down to our underwear, I took a look and realised that she told me the truth about the granny underwear.


"Bloody hell, those panties look almost as old as I am".


I kissed her lightly from her neck down to her belly button and could not help but notice a strange bulge in her crotch.

"Looks like something isn't quite right"

I grabbed the thick elastic strings of her cheap cotton, moth eaten Mickey Mouse panties and pulled them down.

"Kai, haba, damn, shit".


I screamed as something that looked like a cross between a rat and a grizzly bear sprung forth from her underwear.

The creature jumped out at me with the eagerness of a runaway slave


Her bush was was the size of Angela Davis's Afro.

"What the hell is this?"

"I told you, I like it Au naturel".

I found out that she had never trimmed her bush in all her years on earth. It was a horrid sight and it spread every where, down her thighs, up her stomach, it looked like a huge hairy oil slick.

"This is not good enough".

"But I might get shaving bumps".

"Since you never did attempt to shave or trim, you don't know that for sure".

"You hate me, you find me disgusting, you are so mean."


I wondered if she expected me to feel sorry for her, so i left her to her own devices and went of to sleep on the couch.

She left the next morning and still speaks of how mean I was to her.

Au naturel? Now that takes the piss.

Matrimony? Maybe

Another day, another wedding.





Another victory parade for the bride.

Another groom sacrificing his liberty.

Another man submitting to the whims and caprices of an in-house dictator.

Another woman morphs into a bedroom terrorist.


Maybe I eventually will get married, maybe I'll do Vegas. Maybe it will be your typical stylised Nigerian wedding, where at the reception the dashing groom(at least in my case) dances in with the bride. The bride in her excitement at finally having her victory parade, throws all convention to the wind and proves that the stereotype of the demure bride is nothing but bullshit. She then proceeds shake her girdle supported ass whilst pretending to dance the "YAHOOZEE", but in reality she is holding her diamond ring (in reality it is a cubic zirconia, but what the hell. It looks good)up in the air in order to spite all the single women in the crowd.

"YOU CAN HATE ME BITCHES"

"BUT I HAVE A SLAVE NOW"

"I WILL CONDEMN HIS ASS TO A LIFE OF SERVITUDE"

"I WILL SEE TO IT THAT HE WORKS HIMSELF TO THE BONE TO SUPPORT ME AND MY (not his) CHILDREN".


Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against marriage, and even the brides are not quite as monstrous as I paint them. The only issue for me is that most women don't wish to be married, all they wish for is a wedding. They want to wear the white dress (even though they ought to wear any colour other than white), and partake in the pathetic, spectacle that they have reduced the marriage ceremony to.

I remember a conversation I had once.


"My friend is so lucky"

"How so?" i asked, attempting to feign interest.

"She met her husband six months ago, at a wedding reception, and he said to himself that the next good looking girl that walks through the door will be my wife. And then my friend walks in".

"What if they are not compatible?"

"Who cares?"

"Pardon me?"

"Look Boorish, it is every woman's dream to me married, and have her big day".


Her friend, did in fact have her big day, so big and tasteless it was that there were belly dancers at the reception, and famous comic rehashing some old lines. All the supposed society people were there and they all had a big ball. Unfortunately the break up of the marriage was so dramatic (more like apocalyptic)that was more talked about than their carnival of a marriage.


Happy ever afters? we'll see.


Matrimony? Maybe.

Let's Go Together

Hey, what is in a one night stand?

Much ado about nothing I say.


CIRCA 2006 DECEMBER:

"Boorish I saw you leave the party with my fiancee's friend"

"I have to stop my future wife freom associating with her"

"Put yourself underfoot my dear fiend" Said boorish as he lit up his last cigarette for the night.

"There is nothing wrong with what happened, you ought to respect her for her lack of hipocrisy".

That night, the drums were beating, copious amounts of alcohol were consumed and the passions were flowing.

We shared a few innuendo ladden conversations, flirted, laughed, smiled, danced and knew that all things being equal, we would end the night with a bit of passion. Two consenting adults deciding to sleep with one another. What could be more beautiful than that?

Alas, we are hypocritical in our views of these sorts of things. Why is it that men view all women as cheap (except the women that we chose to marry)?

I wonder wht we compell our women to lie to us about their pecaddilloes and experiences, and then we end up spitting fire and brimstone when we find our wives playing a rusty trombone on Ishiaku the maiguard.

Think my friend, it is no big deal, I'd much rather deal with a woman that makes her intentions known from the start, as opposed to playing the sweet innocent wifey.......................


so if it feels right, lets go together.


Will be back properly soon.

Something for the fellas

Hey there, how are we doing? It sure has been a while. As usual I've been keeping busy, and trying to seek clarity in this cold harsh world of ours. I try to love all of Gods creations, but I must warn you all to keep far away from the creature that threatens civilisation as we know it this evil being is known as

THE BITTER WOMAN.....

OK sweetheart, I understand that it could not have been easy growing up being so ugly in a world where beauty is so coveted. Take heart, just because your pockmarked face looks like someone danced the Charleston on it, whilst wearing a pair of golf cleats doesn't mean you have to share the pain. I know it isn't easy being ugly, you cannot help the fact that you look like a cross between sasquatch , Star Jones and Amy Winehouse on a bad hair day. does not mean that you have to be at odds with all that is fair and beautiful in this world. I am sure that underneath that unfortunate exterior lies a good heart.........

Let the bitterness go.

So what if you are unlucky in love, you wonder why you cant keep a man, you ask yourself why your friends are all married and you are stuck dealing with men that screw you, and can't wait to be far away from you not too long after the act.

According to you:

"Men are bastards"

"I don't need a man, my vibrator never fails"

"Life must be easier being gay"



Have you stopped for a minute to wonder if the problem might not be the guys? If you have failed in all attempts at relationships, do you not think that there is something wrong with you?

OK babe, when one really thinks about it, considering the standard of men today, maybe your vibrator would work best.





Don't be offended ladies, I was just kidding.........

Hey fellas, I have to ask you something. What is your obsession with thongs. I do not find them sexy at all. What is so mind blowing about the sight of that strip of gabardine (maybe even denim, khaki or nylon) riding up the crack of her shitter? When I see a thong I think wobbly squidgy butt cheeks, cellulite infested, stretch marked skin. I think skid marks, dangleberries or even worse dingleberries.

Think about it fellas........

It aint pretty.


Just some mindless rambling.................


Will be back properly soon.

Sex and The Single Bloke (On Doublethink)

"Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them". - George Orwell.

The devil himself Niccolo Machiavelli once postulated that one should never enter an aliance with another more powerful than ones self. Very deep words i must say, whilst he was speaking of realpolitik I have put a spin on things and have chosen to speak of relationships (what else is new ;-).

Imagine being in a relationship with a person so much smarter than yourself, a person that read you easily from day one. A person that immediately recognised your needs, influences and biases; and then manipulated them to his or her benefit. Human beings are impressionable and deeply insecure. It is the simplest thing to influence another to hang on your every word and throw aside all logic and common sense inspite of the truth that is staring them in their face.

She loves him and would do all in her power to keep him, he is well aware of this and knows that he is all that she lives for, rather than be inspired by her devotion he becomes complacent and seeks out more exciting possibillities. He cheats openly and constantly, he plays on her emotions, makes her cry at will, does subtle things to make her jealous, keeps her mind occupied, hurts her intentionally and when she is on the verge of finally asserting herself he overwhelms her with kindness, romance and a few furious shagging sessions. Control and manipulation are the tools of is trade. She is aware that he is wrong for her, but still believes that he is her knight in shining armour. Why is this happening? She is doublethinking...............

Some might say that he is being smart, others might call him a bastard, but i contend that such people should be pitied. The way a person treats another is a reflection of the battles raging within them; ergo it is a deep insecurity that drives such a person to try to exert such control over another, and likewise insecurity makes another so impressionable as to be controlled. I have been in situations where i have been guilty of double think (i guess we all have), I too have fallen victim to manipulative women (albeit not for very long...) I have been guilty of manipulating others as well. I am truly happy that I no longer do such, however i have become rather guarded as a result of what i have done and what i have observed.

Ignorance is Bliss

I have become very observant and somewhat suspicious of ther peoples motives, due to my rather calculating nature I analyse every possible outcome before I make any move, it has it's good (i am not usually prone to being manipulated into doublethinking), ergo I prevent myself from ever truly riding the crest of a wave and letting myself go.................

Therein lies the rub.

Is anyone ever truly on your side? Or are they merely being self serving? Is it better to be a fool in love or a wise person that's lonely? She loves me, but what are her motives? Can this be love?

Maybe my efforts at not being weak or vulnerable might cost me a great deal of happiness in my life. Maybe we all need to be foolish to be in love and happy.........................

Maybe I am just as guilty of doublethink as others.





Hope your holiday was as great as mine...........

I have entered a new chapter in my life, I have come full circle and I'm back to being the gregarious boorish that is loved by many. will have to tell you about this soon.