Happy Anniversary

Happy anniversary to you, Happy anniversary to you!!!!!

Happy anniversary my Valkyrie, five years of a happy marriage, two lovely kids and a great husband, I must say you have done well for yourself. It seems like almost yesterday that you called me to tell me he proposed to you, sorry I missed your wedding.

This is just to let you know that I have forgiven you for swatting me over the head with a fish slice and making me dive out of my kitchen window to escape another hit. I had just shaved my dreads off and you had such a wicked aim, you got me right on the ogo. I know it wasn't nice coming across that picture of the naked onyibo girl in my bed, I still maintain that the picture was taken after we broke up. You really ought not have been going through my stuff anyway, afterall we had stopped being an item a year before.

I have forgiven you for turning my family against me, I will never forget arriving home from work last year only to find you in a deep conversation with my mother and two of my sisters.

"Mummy would you believe that Boorish told me he was just going out to buy newspapers and he didn't come back for three days"

"Mummy would you believe that Boorish had three other girlfriends within a five minute radius of my house"

I forgive you for spiking my drink and laughing at me when I started hearing the lamposts speak , and then seeing a tartan coloured snake slither down the high street.


Happy anniversary my Valkyrie, even though we barely see each other, thanks for being my friend.

I know you read this blog, and your suspicions were right, it is me.

Have a good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 8 (The law of attraction)

We instinctively know whether or not we find a person attractive enough to take them to bed. In as much as we may try to rationalise these things, we must accept that the single law governing attraction is far from rational. From the slight sway in her hips, to the curve of her neck, to the the scent of her perfume and finally to extent to which you choose to explore that person's body, these things are governed purely by instinct.

I have learned that it is an absolute waste of time chasing after members of the opposite sex. Why? You may ask, simply because if that person finds you in anyway attractive, she will make it obvious enough to you, as is said in Lagos today "no long thing". I have been in situations where women I was casually involved with have been dropped over at my place by their toasters and picked up the following morning by these same men. I have been invited over for dinner at their homes, only to be told that their toasters footed the bills for the food (I never could bring myself to eat though). I have experienced women in commited relationships inadvertently leting me know that if i was to jump them, they might not put up too much resistance (it doesn't mean they did not love their partners). Most men are under the misguided notion that time and circumstance are the ultimate arbiters of who a woman chooses to sleep with. Yes they do play a part, but in my view the ultimate arbiter of who she chooses entirely depends on who gets her juices flowing. If she says that she isn't sure, or that she needs time, then my brother she probably doesn't want you enough. Sure, she might enjoy your company, she will probably enjoy the attention and if you stick around long enough she might just sleep with you if she is horny or lonely enough, maybe if you plead with her to a great extent, her compassionate nature might compel her to administer a pity screw, but the bottom line is that you are and probably will remain way down in her pecking order.

Human beings tend to rationalise their actions following the act, a purely physical sexual encounter, may become an emotional one just because of some need to justify what has taken place. Hence, a man that a woman has kept hanging for six months (and in those six months she enjoyed the company of men she truly desired) might suddenly seem like a boyfriend following a unexpected roll in the hay. That is the way it is, it is the way it has always been and it is never going to change. Hence I make no bones about making my interest known to a woman from the very start, it is her choice. if she takes the bait, great, if not I let her be, and stay friends...........................


"No long thing".

If You Dont believe in Karma, Read This.

Last month, I blogged about the chap that worked against me (http://boorishmale.blogspot.com/2007/05/you-worked-against-me.html), I just found out that he was fired from his job this morning. Apparently he was pressuring young girls from humble homes into sleeping with him or else (according to him), they had no hope of gaining employment at the bank. Apparently his favorite words were "I hold the key to your future in my hands". Unfortunately for him he picked on the wrong girl who not only refused to play ball (or should I say balls), but had an uncle that is close friends with the MD of the bank in question.

I have a policy of not gloating or laughing at another man's downfall, but I cannot find it in my heart to feel sorry for him. I pity his children and his wife, as they had no hand in the matter, but the scumbag got what he deserved. The MD of the bank has vowed that he will not get employed anywhere in this country again...............................

God bless him.

Sex and the Single Bloke Part 7 (The Rules of Engagement).

I have been single ever since my last girlfriend tried to set me on fire three years ago. My single status is not down to lack of opportunity, but due to certain things that my potential mates seem to lack, my angst had led me to draw up certain dating faux-pas which have nipped potential relationships in the bud. I pray you all read without prejudice and keep an open mind. If any of you have broken any of the rules of engagement previously, you might just have a certain boor to thank for putting things right and preventing further howlers.

Rule 1: Be yourself.

On too many occasions I have dealt with women trying their possible hardest to impress and making absolute prats of themselves. I remember going out to dinner with a Naija babe. She was very pretty and carried herself really well; (or so it seemed) however she was an extremely pretentious Europhile, and was of the impression that I would be impressed by her supposed level of exposure.

"Oh Boor, I love this restaurant" she said as we were shown to our table. "It reminds me of when I had escargot on the Champs-Élysées".

Gaddemmit woman, you ruined a great date for the boor, for crying out loud couldn't you have just said that you once went to a great restaurant in Paris that served great snails? You are razz, in my view razzness is poverty of the mind, razzness is trying to be what you are not.

Escargot ko’, Egbin ni.

On another occasion I attended a house warming at my newlywed friend’s home. It was a nice party, filled with real intellectual types, and would have been a great evening, but for my date. The discussion at the table centered on how the UK and the US seemed to be inching towards totalitarianism and how civil liberties were gradually being eroded.

My date (pretty girl from The Cape Verde), felt she had to contribute, and from that moment things went wrong.

“I agree that our civil liberties are being snached away from us”.

“We are constantly being watched, CCTV cameras everywhere, and we are being conditioned by the media to accept it”.

“Why do you say that?” Asked my host. As the attention of the entire table turned towards my date.

“Don’t you watch Big Brother?” Asked my date, growing more confident with every word she spoke.

“Sam Rockwell wrote a book called Big Brother in which, he tried to warn us against accepting such.

Worrahell woman, you mean George Orwell and the bloody book is called 1984.

Olodo Oshi.




Rule 2: Do not break the crap barrier.

Please women give the dude six months of grace before you feel free enough to lay a hot loaf in his loo, by then he ought to like you enough not to mind you either cutting cheese or dropping the kids off at his pool at his pool. My unfortunate experience was with an English chick I had only just started dating. Boorish was on a high, this was someone that finally seemed to get his sense of humor, she invaded my space and I couldn't get enough of her. She was pretty, intelligent, eloquent and so damn well mannered (or so it seemed). Our fourth date, was a Friday night and I invited her back to my place, she got comfortable, and agreed to stay over.

"Great". I thought. "We have all night, no need to rush things".

We had more to drink, flirted a fair bit and decided to retire for the night, I put on the slow music, kissed her a little and left to take a shower (I needed to be fresh and clean). I got back and there was a strange whiff in the room;

“Oh no!” I said to myself. “She ought to have avoided the Brussels sprouts”

It was in the middle of winter so I just couldn't open a window and let air in, therefore I was faced with two choices. I could either grit my teeth and bear it, or burn some incense in the room. I decided to go for the incense, however the pungent mix of fart and incense was deadly, and the mixture formed a hallucinogenic more potent than LSD. I felt myself beginning to trip and suddenly I could understand the meaning of the lyrics of ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’ by the Beatles, I was settling into my psychedelic journey when I heard a voice say:


"I need to shower as well hun" she said, trying hard to hide her embarrassment.

I led her to the shower and left her to it, twenty minutes went by and still no sign of her, so I decided to make sure all was well. I got there just as she was leaving the shower, she hugged me and offered to give me a massage. I had no massage oil, but I figured that baby oil would be a good enough substitute. I went looking for it in my medicine cabinet, only to be confronted by a sight which has stayed with me since then. A sight so terrifying, that I constantly woke up screaming for three weeks afterwards, a sight so traumatizing that I fell to my knees screaming NOOOO!!!!


My date left a little pebble dash in my loo.


Rule 3: Do not argue over money.

I once dated a Naija babe that made a ritual of laying an ambush for me every payday, she was so damn selfish, and refused to acknowledge the fact I was trying to save money. I sure as hell wasn’t miserly towards her, but she always wanted more. The final straw was when she put me in African handcuffs; The Boorish English Dictionary defines the African Handcuff as: Traditional restraint practiced by African women, usually against errant husbands). The interesting thing about African handcuffs is that the restrainer does not actually put the restrainee’s hands in cuffs, but rather the restrainer holds the belt of the restrainee and secures her grip by grabbing his collar as well.

“That woman had better not start something today”.

Boorish said to himself, in spite of his chutzpah; he had a strange sense of foreboding and in the back of his mind knew that the she-devil would bare her fangs once again. The omens stated the obvious and it seemed his sixth sense was warning him of something ominous in the offing. Beads of sweat poured down his face and the hairs on his back stood on end as he approached his home.

“Why does this happen every payday?”

All of a sudden boorish experiences the fight or flight reflex as he sees the terrifying sight of his girlfriend outside his door with her arms akimbo and her face like thunder.

“Boorish, I want that goddamn Birkin bag I pointed out last month”.

“Boorish, I cannot believe you have pushed me to this point”

“Boorish why didn’t you take the initiative and buy the bleeding bag?”

“Boorish, today is payday and you have no choice”.


Boorish he was ready to repel the attack, but she was too well trained in physical combat (by her own mother). She was as stealthy as a Tigress moving in for the kill, and as quick as Mary Onyali on coke. She assumed the tiger stance and applied the African hand cuff to boorish.

The relationship didn’t last much longer.


Rule 4: Don’t overdo the fronting:

One of the first rules of negotiation is that you should never price yourself out of a deal. Why do some women love teasing? Why do they feel that the worse they treat a man, the more interested he will be? Why do they feel they must keep a man hanging? Why must they end the conversations abruptly and maintain this upper hand that only exists in their heads? The truth is that you can keep a man interested and show a keen interest in him without putting him off. If you are interested, be interested and don’t play games.

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 6

What has this world come to? Are we so hung up on material things that we have lost touch with what is most important? I don't care where the woman is from, if I love her so be it. She could be a top city executive or flipping burgers in McDonald's, in so far as I am happy with her, so be it. I have had a few women try to use money as a means of inducing me to either marry them, or at least get serious about them. Here are two amusing stories from my catalogue.


I was once involved with a very good looking chick, and she felt that I was her final bus stop, one fine day I got a phone call from her mother (who I had never met before).

"Hello my son"

"Good afternoon, may I kindly know who is speaking please?"
"This is Mrs. ........"

"My daughter wishes to marry you, I have seen your photograph and I must say you appear very interesting"

"I hope you realise that my family is very influential, and you need not worry about anything, except worshipping your God".

"My son I saw you in my dream, and I saw you and my daughter returning to Nigeria and starting a business of your own, you need not worry i will make it possible for your love to grow".

I was dumbfounded and for once in my life I didn't have a thing to say, from that moment on I knew I had to get out of the friendship I shared with her daughter. The straw that broke the camels back was, one night i was sleeping and I awoke suddenly, to be confronted with the sight of the girl kneeling over me, holding a bible. Rocking back and forth as if in a trance with her eyes tightly shut. I heared the words:

"In the name of Jesus I bind thee as my husband"

"Yeee!!!!" "God I am finished"

I screamed grabbing the bible from her, running out of her house in my boxer shorts clutching the bible to my chest.

"I rebuke it, I rebuke it in the name of Jesus".



I had a brief dalliance (due to extreme boredom) with a chick whose father was apparently wealthy. In truth it was forgettable on most counts but she had a good heart and I felt that someday when it all fizzled out we would be great friends. Unfortunately for me this woman became somewhat obsessive in her belief that I was destined to be her husband. So much so that one day she called me and begun spinning a yarn about how successful er father's company is and how she is being fast tracked towards running the show soon. Much to my great surprise, she mentioned that chances were that she would cede running the company to her husband, due to the fact that a man would be better suited to running the outfit.

"what does that have to do with me" I asked, sincerely hoping that she wasn't implying what I thought she was.

"I sincerely hope that you are not using your father's wealth as an inducement" I stated angrily.

From that moment onwards i felt nothing but revulsion towards her, the sad thing is that I know a lot of men that would have jumped at the opportunity. I stopped sleeping with her and kindly asked her to leave me alone, I was subjected to months of stalking and a borderline sexual assault. Eventually she backed off.

Money is nothing but a visitor, and with all visitors the length of time it spends is entirely dependent on how you treat it. I believe that nothing handed to a man belongs to him, a man must earn and toil for his daily bread, there are no short cuts to success. I accept no favours, be it from my family or any person, I am destined for success and it will be from the sweat off my back and not from any wealthy benefactor.

I won't be blogging for a little bit, so I've left a fair bit to be read. Have a good one peeps........

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 5

Man's timid heart is bursting with the things he must not say,

For the Woman that God gave him isn't his to give away;

But when hunter meets with husbands,

each confirms the other's tale

The female of the species is more deadly than the male.

Rudyard Kipling

The Female of The Species.

One of my favorite poems is The Female of The Species by Rudyard Kipling, he spoke of different species in the animal kingdom and yes he spoke about us human beings too. I am inclined to agree with him, however I'd much rather state that the female of the species can be more deadly that the male. Why do I say this? In my view, in the age long battle of the sexes men have won by using brute force whilst women have had to compensate by putting their wit to good use. Nigerian society is patriarchal, and the men are generally smothered by women and brought up to believe that the world belongs to them. They are typically testosterone driven, competitive, macho and very childish creatures. They pride themselves on the number of women they can bed and do not bother to take a peek behind the curtain that separates men from women. Fellas if you consider yourself a player, i suggest you think deeply about this statement I was told age seventeen by a close female friend of mine, she said: "who is the player?" "Is it the person who convinces himself that he is smarter that everyone else or the person that keeps quiet, observes and proves that he is smarter?"

What brought this about? My friend lost her virginity to her considerably much older boyfriend, she was head over heels in love with him and was convinced that one day he would marry her. The dude in question fancied himself as a bit of a player, he slept with a few of her friends behind her back and was extremely smug about it. She eventually found out, and rather than lose her head about it, she kept quiet and schemed to bring him down a notch or two. My friend was very cerebral, what we had in common was that we both saw things a little differently that most other people. She slept with each and everyone of his close friends, she somehow manage to convince them that it was them that she actually loved and her boyfriend was mistreating her. so manipulative and convincing she was that they took the bait hook, line, and sinker. At social gatherings, she would sit there in their midst and they were all non the wiser. Eventually when she tired of them she moved on and till date i have no idea if they ever found out what went on or not.

The moral of the story is that women are a little more cunning than we are, hence i don't rock the boat. I give them their due and try my possible best not to view the world from the typical male standpoint. I must say, things are never quite what they seem.

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 4

I have noticed that in Naija guys make a strict distinction between the good girls and the bad girls, I have tried my best to come to terms with the grounds on which this distinction is made. I have realised that more often than not the guys ought to open their eyes a little. How can they equate a girl that has had her share of boyfriends with a girl that goes to the clubs selling her booty for money? How can they equate a girl that explored when she was young with a total and complete shag merchant, to whom sex is nothing but an act and you might as well shake her hand? I place no premium on a woman’s supposed virtue, I strongly believe that a woman’s virtue is mans greatest invention. So dudes, kindly refrain from calling her a hoe, a hoe is a woman whose story you just happen to know a thing or two about. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe this woman you have chosen to malign might just have been one you would have regarded had it not been that she played around in your social group? Maybe your own girlfriend or wife might have been some others dudes “hoe” at some point. I keep hearing guys come up with hair brained statements such as “my girl isn’t a hoe because she made me wait”, “she is decent because I worked hard for her”. What rubbish, a woman is free to sleep with whoever she chooses, just because she made you wait doesn’t mean that she lives her life that way, it could mean that you weren’t her spec and she just kept you around because she enjoyed the attention. Maybe all the while you were texting and calling she was giving it up to the dudes that she felt were more befitting of her. If you do end up with her and you two are happy, why should it matter to you if she was gaining life’s experience elsewhere?


The main problem a lot of guys have is that they are egotistical about sex and they tend to place certain women on a pedestal and choose to malign others. More often than not, these guys are not willing to accept that their wives might not be the creatures that they want them to be. A lot of the women that I know whose men view them as such are unfulfilled both sexually and emotionally, because they feel pressured into constantly playing up to this image that their husbands have of them. A female friend told me of a friend of hers who got married to a born again Christian. After six months of having sex in the missionary position, she tried to vary things a little, unfortunately her husband nearly had a heart attack. He called her a “wanton woman” and took her for spiritual counseling. Maybe the woman you love might be submissive and would love you to dominate her sometime, does that make her any less decent? Maybe she likes things a little kinky, maybe she likes sex with different people. Who are we to judge her? We are all guilty of the same thing.


Why insult a woman that chooses to express herself and explore her sexuality? Have you ever stopped to think that your innocent girlfriend might just be repressing her inner freak, and might just sleep with that good looking cool dude at the club if he so much as spits in her direction? People are people, women are women and men are men. If you call her a hoe, you might just be insulting yourself, your mom, your sister and your wife. She is who she is, just a person. We are all hoes in some way, shape or form…… Let them live.