My Succubus

In my chamber she was welcome as she had been before
Her form was enchanting, like the creature of ancient lore
Her touch emboldeth me, to my depth, to my core
Alas, she departed, she is my Succubus, no more.

Sex and The Single Bloke part 15 (The Paradox of Humillity)

Is humility a virtue or a vice? I often wonder, is it in human nature to be humble or does circumstance conspire to humble us. Jesus was humble, the Prophet Mohamed was humble and boorish is humble.........................................

Can Boorish truly be humble if he places himself in such exalted company? My point exactly! This so called character trait is nothing but a paradox. I shall speak of this in the context of relationships.

Case in Point:

Boy grows up in ghetto, and has struggled from day one. He meets a girl and who has lived in the lap of luxury all her life. They fall in love and decide to get married, girl's father refuses to give his blessing to the union and holds it up for four years. He eventually relents and reluctantly allows the poor man to marry his daughter. Dude is introduced to a life of luxury, and quickly becomes accustomed to it. His father-in law never misses an opportunity to put him back in his place and he is often on the receiving end of barbs and jibes from his wife's side of the family. In their presence he displays nothing but utter humility and is grateful to his condescending father in law for changing his life.

Boy meets Boorish and regales him with tales of his good life, his car, his flat and how well he has done. Unbeknown to him; boorish has a huge network of friends and is aware the man's true. Should my friend the kept man not be humbled by his beginnings and his pitiable current situation? For some reason best known to him, the mere fact that he is slipping it to a rich man's daughter has given him the right to be arrogant. Sex must be an overwhelmingly powerful force; because it has made boy believe that he is ''rich by association" (or maybe I should say ''Rich by Copulation''). This guy might one day find himself ''humbled'' by Boorish's sharp tongue if he doesn't ''humble'' quit playing the big man.

Case 2:

I once was involved with a woman or should I say girl at university, we were broke students and she was even broker than I was. We were very different, I was this kid that left Nigeria and was transported to a British boarding school and from there set out to university, and she was transferred to the UK after five or six years at university in Nigeria only to start again from her first year. We were happy or so I thought, the boor was totally unaware that his girl was a social climber and judged him based on his broke student status.

Boorish a far far from perfect boyfriend, but they always worked their problems out or so he thought. She eventually graduated and moved elsewhere to study for her post graduate degree. Whilst at this new place she made friends with a few public school girls whose fathers were very wealthy (Nigerian military men in the corridors of power) and they made a show of their wealth. They never got involved with black men (I see nothing wrong with that if it floats their boat), and would do anything in their power to get a check from the onyibo dudes (to be honest their behaviour was quite embarrassing).

She conviently forgot that her friends orientation was not too different from mine, however, due to the fact that I didn't make a show of things, she felt that she was ''better by association''. She developed a deep desire for oyinbo public school boys, and my spies told me that she was spotted trying hard to get off with a few.

''So be it''! I thought and didn't tell her a thing.

We eventually broke up and she tried repeatedly to get back with me. I bluntly refused her overtures. Now lets analyse this; I would not humble myself and take her back. This was in spite of the fact that she made me happy, and her lack of humility caused her to lose her man (she still calls me till date). Is it a virtue of a vice? Is it a natural state of mind, or a by product of circumstance? Is it good or bad for relationships?

Women like a guy with a bit of arrogance and swagger, but in a relationship that pride might prevent him from opening up to her fully. Most men like a woman with a little front, and would dump on a woman that is somewhat self effacing.

Humility............. A paradox indeed.

All this blogging has left me hungry, I'm on my way to go eat some humble pie. I wrote this last night, about someone that was once special to me, do remind me to blog about her soon.

Sex and the Single Bloke Part 14 (The Diary of a Nigerian Dandy)

Hello boys and girls, my name is L and I am a dandy. A great deal of effort goes into what you see, I work out religiously, I go for bi-weekly facials and I am always impeccably dressed. Everyone in Lagos knows me, I am a man around town, good looking, witty, charming and most importantly a humdinger in the sack. I am great with the ladies, very good looking and can charm the pants off any woman and her mother if need be. I am single and ever ready to mingle. I am in the prime of my life and presently seeking a great woman to spend the rest of my life with.

Ok truth be told; I am not successful; I have had to tighten my belt, scrimp, save and sell a considerable part of my inheritance to give off the illusion of wealth and success. My rent is due, I can barely afford the payments on my convertible Mercedes, however when the weekend comes appearances must be kept. The champagne will flow and I will regale my supplicants with tales of fictitious multi-million Naira deals that I am presently working on. My present girlfriend will do for the time being, but the main issue I have with her is that her father is not as wealthy as I would like; plus the old bastard is a shameless skinflint. I know that he might not be willing to buy us that home in old Ikoyi, plus he has two sons, so I guess that puts paid to my hopes of him putting me on the board of one or more of his companies. This girl doesn’t quite make the grade, due to the fact that the value added to my life is not be sufficient.

I am presently on the look out for a girl with a fabulously wealthy father, dear God please don’t let it come too late. I am already 33 and my waist is getting wider, goddamn that Boorishmale I wonder how that man still looks 25 even though he will soon be 31. My looks are fading, my Mercedes hasn’t been serviced in a long time and the various club owners in Lagos are bugging me to pay for all that Cristal I bought on credit.

When I find that rich girl, I will progressively make her dependent on me, I will make her insecure and slowly erode her confidence with my well timed put downs and eventually she will feel that no other man will have her. On my wedding day I shall dance and celebrate, my crew of “friends” will join me on the dance floor and we will shake our ashy, flabby, hairy, wrinkled and blistering asses (volcanic hemorrhoids coupled with genital warts are a bitch) whilst doing the electric slide. I will be sure to wear a Cheshire cat grin as the wedding gifts are announced.


What can I say? Now that will be a “value added” relationship.


WHO SAYS GUYS AREN’T GOLD DIGGERS TOO?


What has happened to our society? The Nigeria I left is not the Nigeria I met. What happened to us? We are on the path to destruction; we have become so obsessed with wealth, status and propagating a poor imitation of a foreign class system that cannot translate to this society. The knock on effect of all this is that we are damaging the institutions that MUST be respected. What does marriage mean to us? How could we forget that marriage is the very foundation upon which any good society is built? What will become of us if we all follow this path? Why can’t we realize that we owe it not just to ourselves, but to society at large to love and respect one another? Imagine what will become of the next generation if we don’t make a change, I foresee a future of dysfunctional families and young boys and girls growing up without proper role models. I am a man, a true man and I am aware of my responsibilities and the greatest of them will be to lay a good example to my kids and all the other children in my sphere of influence. I wish to get married for the right reasons, and it dumbfounds me that so many people cannot see the damage that is being done.

Why we see that we are destroying ourselves, we are damaging our women and our women are wrecking us, so if you are a gold digging dandy, you must realize that your actions have very far reaching effects. Maybe I am just a silly idealist but my heart truly bleeds. A change must be made.

We must dare to invent the Future.

Sex and The Single Bloke Part 13 (On Mercenary Mistresses.)

On Saturday night I received a phone call from one of my good female friends and it went this way:

''Boorish what is going on?''

''I'm at home watching Pan's Labyrinth''

''Why are you at home?'' She asked. ''Shouldn't you be out in town?''

''Can't be arsed''

''Look Boorish, I hope you realise that you are very eligible and there would be so many girls out there that would love to be with a man like you.''

''Gaddemit woman, worrahell did you just call me?''

''Boorish calm down i didn't insult you''

''Kindly repeat what you just said to me''

''I called you eligible''

''Eligible?'' I asked. ''Eligible for what''

''Oh, come on Boorish don't play dumb.''

''To what do I owe the honour of this new found status."

My friend gave me a good number of reasons, but not one of them was to do with character. So what is this eligibility? Does it simply afford you the opportunity of mating with more mercenary mistresses? I am definitely not a social butterfly, I have a huge network of friends, but the last thing I want is to be a man around town, so I guess my new found eligibility will not garner me any further social points.

A recurring theme in my conversations with women is the issue of potential. I have heared it time and time again:

''I cannot marry a man who does not have the potential to be rich''.

I marvel at the arrogance of these women, they set so many standards and requirements for the man, but can they really judge the level of a man's potential? Fortune is capricious and she may smile on the most unlikely of pretenders. Can these women truly be sure that the image put forth by these men with potential might just be a charade? I could easily lie to a woman and spend large amounts of money on her and give off the illusion of wealth, and she would not be in a position to know better. All she would be taken with is the ''potential'' that is before her.

So if these women are so quick to put these conditions on their affection, I wonder why the hell they are still single. I had the misfortune of interacting with a rather crude and bush unmarried 35 year old. All she was talking about was what the man must have, the sort of family he must come from and how long his dough must be.

I don't mean to be nasty, but that chick has totally missed the boat, she mentioned family, but she had no living parents and came from a rather poor background (which generally doesn't matter, but it seemed to matter to her a great deal). She lacked sophistication, but still aspired to marry above her station, so much so that she turned down all offers from those she judges as unworthy, and is still single today.

Eligible? Worthy? I don't care about these labels....................

Simply judge me on my character.

Sex and the Single Bloke part 12

LADIES!!!!!!!!!


What ever happened to the doctrine of a good top and tail splash (or as my Yoruba brethren call it............ TAMBA)?

What has gone wrong? Why have we neglected this all important bit of knowledge that has been passed down to us by the ancients?

A good tamba never fails...........

Don't be found wanting...........

CASE IN POINT: Whilst at university, I dedicated an inordinate amount of time towards getting close to this really gorgeous Indian chick. I tried hard to win her over but my efforts were rebuffed and she wouldn't put out, being a horny young man of nineteen, I gave up and started seeing another girl.

About a week after i gave up on her, I was in a club drinking champagne.........
OK, truth be told, It was eighties night at the student union, I was dancing to Ghostbusters whilst sipping on my 80p pint of watered down Fosters Lager (how I loved the Amber Nectar) and Miss India walks up to me quite tipsy (in fact she was totally rat arsed).

One thing led to another and i was at her apartment kissing and grinding on her. I felt I was in heaven, here I was finally about to sleep with the object of my desire. I pulled off her top and kissed her nipples, she took mine off and did the same to me. I yelped, cooed, shrieked, sobbed and spanked her for being naughty.

She proceeded to un-button her jeans, took them off and laid down and begged me to lay the pipe.

I did not need another invitation, I paused for a moment and gazed at her sweet smooth skin whilst she writhed in her sparking white thong, I grabbed her thong and slowly pulled it off, as it came off, I observed that she was clean shaven, but for a little runway of hair. OK people, truth be told, it was more like a brown a Mohawk.

Much to my curiosity I made the observation that the hair seemed not to end, it extended much further than normal.

I rubbed my eyes and looked closer....................

I recoiled in terror and let out a shriek not unlike that made by a wounded animal. I cursed my luck and nearly shed tears. I still remain traumatised by the fact that the long hair i thought i saw in her little booty was actually a thin trail of poo........ What followed was that i ran to the shower, recoiled into a foetal position and attempted to wipe the tears from my eyes. Unfortunately as my hands were within sniffing distance, i realised that she had unfortunately branded me with her scent... (day old curry)!!!!!!!!



I have composed a little poem to commemorate this post:

AN ODE TO TAMBA

It feels so good when I go to the loo.

Go to the loo, sit down and poo.

From the toilet to the shower the stage is set.

To crouch down low and get my bum bum wet.

Dance, dance to the beat of the samba.

And celebrate the virtues of the tamba.

Sex and the Single Bloke part 11. The Illusion of beauty.

''Boorish when will you get married?''

''Boorish your boys are all married with kids''

''Boorish stop playing around and settle down''

Boorish have you gotten a girlfriend yet?''

I hear this shit all the time, so much so that when I see my parents and some old friends I know exactly what is coming.

Why am I not married?

None of your bloody business you nosey so and so.

Why am I not settled?

What makes you think that I am not settled?

Is marriage the single way of judging a man's state?

Are you happy in your marriage?

SPARE ME THE BULL CRAP.

Case in point: My friend has been married for a couple of years, every time we meet up for drinks, the poor blighter never wants to go home.

''That woman is driving me crazy''

''That woman is so fat''

''Yesterday I got home and she was wearing a pair of ratty tracky bottoms and was smelling of egusi''

''Oh! Man! I haven't had good sex in a year, she repulses me, I hate her''.

''I should divorce her''.

''How can I divorce a woman that has given me such a beautiful child''.

''Boorish, she bores me''.

''She is not the woman I married, she has turned into a monster''.

''Boorish have a child, but don't keep a woman in your house''.

I hear the poor bugger come out with all these complaints daily, to be perfectly honest his wife is a babe, but he was caught up in how gorgeous she was and give little thought to how compatible they were. As far as I am concerned the illusion of beauty can be the one of biggest sources of disappointment in life.



Imagine getting married to this absolutely gorgeous person, on the surface this person has everything you ever dreamed of, you date for a year, spend a lot of time together and eventually get married. A month into marriage you notice that your spouse has the habit of recycling her flaky, crusty and skid marked underwear because she is too spoilt to give them a wash (true story, my friend eventually had to load dozens of thongs into the bath tub and wash them himself........... talk about being emasculated).



Imagine getting married to a babe with what appears to have a gorgeous body, you are totally taken aback by her hips and booty, she makes you wait before you finally win her over, (in reality, she had some other dude sorting her out on the sly). You hook up and get married, then you realise that her booty that looked so inviting in those apple bottomed jeans is in fact cellulite city, her small waist was in fact enhanced by a body shaper, she wears a girdle, her breasts look like deflated rugby balls and she wears a wonder bra.

Are there really babes?

Some might look good with all that make up on, but once it all comes off, the pimple scars show, her glass eye might get a little wonky, you might not like the sight of her coffee stained false tooth soaking in cleaning solution by your bed. Her weave has the thickest, smelliest, dandruff coated thicket of undergrowth propping it up.

Is she still a babe then?

I need something more than just a pretty face or a woman that looks good on my arm, beauty is just an illusion, (but I love it so).

Sex and The Single Bloke part 10. Show some respect gaddemit.

Call me stubborn, call me stiff (no pun intended), call me conceited, call me obnoxious, hit me, spank me (oops!, kindly disregard that), have me hung drawn and quartered. I don't care, I will forever speak my mind.

Why is it that women feel that they manipulate and treat men like crap, simply because they feel they have something that he wants?

Case in point: the other day I received a phone call and it went this way:

"Boorish, I'm horny, come over and pick me up"

"What?"

"Boorish come on, I want you"

''OK lets get this clear, YOU are horny, and YOU want me to cut short my quality time and drive over to your place and sort YOU out?''

Said boorish, wondering if he was hallucinating.

"Worrashit woman are you for real?''

"What is that supposed to mean boorish? ''After all you wanted this not too long ago''.

''Yes I felt the urge ONCE, but you were fronting, probably because you had some dude slipping it to you at that point in time''. Said boorish, clearly bemused at the arrogance of his friend.

''You are nothing but an idiot boorish, an arrogant idiot''.

''Sweetheart, do you think that because you have a hole between your legs, that I will put all aside to make my way across Falomo bridge and pleasure you?''

What about my needs?''

''I am not gagging for it at present, so you should have asked nicely and maybe I MIGHT have considered it''.

She dropped the phone and didn't speak to me for a couple of days, we have since made up, and sex is most definitely not on the agenda.

Ladies, why is it that you believe that all men are rabid, sexually incontinent beasts? OK, I must admit that most are, but you must view us without prejudice. I have never and will never beg, grovel or pander to a woman to get in her pants. The reality of it is that you all need it just as much as we do. Which of you wouldn't much rather be bent over the couch with a nice stiff one in you as opposed to what you are doing now (if you are getting some, good for you)?

I have never had much trouble attracting women, admittedly I am a rather good looking fellow, I just happen to like the women that are honest, not manipulative, mature and will give a brother a fair chance without dragging him over hot coals to prove his worth. I am not saying that I like an easy shag, what I am saying is that there is no need for games. Simply keep it real and be confident enough not to get an ego boost out of the fact that he happens to like you.

As sung by New Edition: 'easily you can be left alone, tighten it up, before you find yourself by yourself''.

SHOW SOME RESPECT GODDAMIT