Who are you kidding? You know that you know you're a good writer. LOL In fact, you're an excellent writer!! You wrote very vividly, allowing the reader to feel like they were there. Nice story so far. Can't wait for you to finish. Have you found a publisher yet?
@mosaic, thanks so much it is good to hear such words, it took a lot for me to put my work here on this blog, I was so worried that it will get panned. No i havent found a publisher yet, i dont feel i have honed my craft to a satisfactory level. Hopefully soon though.. :-)
@ daddy's girl Thanks so much, you guys have made my day...
Excerpt one and two are VERY VERY GOOD. However I lean towards excerpt 2 more, for some reason I found that easier to get through, excerpt one dare I say was too descriptive? i felt the presence of the words almost too much where are in excerpt 2 i lost myself in your words. i love them both but that is my opinion! totally disregard it if you don't agree!
Loll - i agree with Mphalele. It's like she read my mind. Excerpt 1 is a little too (unnecessarily) descriptive. The 2nd bit is amazingly good. A few grammatical mistakes but stuff that would be picked up in editing. But it's really really good. Put some more up!
What era wa sthis written in? Do we still have moving trains in Nigeria? :-D especially with conductors who can wear 3 piece suits? Loll - i love the little subtexts - the conductor with bursting pot belly and 3 sizes too small suits, to the women with their noses in the air and the slight smell of disinfectant. Takes me right there. I wa slike that is soooo true. Nigerians use dettol to clean EVERYTHING. lolll
Again - very good - out some more up! Btw - i really like your blog as you can no doubt guess through all the comments i left on your back catalogue. Adding you to my favourites list. Just put more stuff up soon!
@noni moss, Thanks for taking the time out to read the excerpt. The story is set in pre independence Nigeria, hence the funtioning trains and the use of slangs that were popular in the fifties and sixties. A lot of research has gone into the bok, and a lot more will be done..... Thanks again.
Lovely post, pretty descriptive and well narrated, it is really good. You are such a pretty good writer eh! What did you study at Uni, if I may ask. And are you Xtian because you seem to have a kind spirit.
@naijadude, I studied law at uni, but in all the years since graduation i have not practised for a day...... As for my religious beliefs, i am agnostic. How have you been dude?
You are a great writer and I'm not just saying that! I noticed some commentators thought excerpt 1 was a bit too descriptive but I thought it was really good so long as it's not the way the entire book will read. Excerpts like this are great littered here and there in a book! Your use of imagery is amazing. The 2nd one is also really good and easier to read and I love how well you set and describe the scenes ... transports the reader right into the heart of it!
I agree with others that excerpt two is the better one. For me the greater length allows you time to center your prose around a few excellent themes. Your prose is evocative and has a "voice."
I suggest you work on pruning your prose. For example, you description of how the ticket collector accepted condescendingly your ticket starts of well but quickly becomes heavy-handed as you linger too long on this. Try to illustrate his condescension with one sentence. Another instance, although minor, is in excerpt 1 where you use the adjective "rather" twice in the same sentence. This robs the word of its power. One of the few writers who was able to get away with this (sometimes!!!) was Dickens -- it usually worked when it served as a "leitmotif" for the whole novel later one and read very musically (you do this a little with the periodic refence of the Yoruba slang for the Nigerian expats dress).
Overall you show much promise. Keep up the good work. Some reading suggestions - Flannery O'Connor's short stories and novellas, in particular, the short story, "A Good Man Is Hard To Find." Also, George Elliot's "Middlemarch" - one of the few great novels to wed a social critique with a satisfying emotional narrative.
17 comments:
Wow.
Good job, I absolutely loved it. Very descriptive.
@nilla thanks alot.........
:-)
Who are you kidding? You know that you know you're a good writer. LOL In fact, you're an excellent writer!! You wrote very vividly, allowing the reader to feel like they were there. Nice story so far. Can't wait for you to finish. Have you found a publisher yet?
This is really good.... your powers of description are great, you make the reader feel like they're right there. Nice work.
@mosaic, thanks so much it is good to hear such words, it took a lot for me to put my work here on this blog, I was so worried that it will get panned. No i havent found a publisher yet, i dont feel i have honed my craft to a satisfactory level. Hopefully soon though.. :-)
@ daddy's girl Thanks so much, you guys have made my day...
Just curious, are you a Christian?
@anonymous before i answer that question i want to know why you are asking me this......
Excerpt one and two are VERY VERY GOOD. However I lean towards excerpt 2 more, for some reason I found that easier to get through, excerpt one dare I say was too descriptive? i felt the presence of the words almost too much where are in excerpt 2 i lost myself in your words.
i love them both but that is my opinion! totally disregard it if you don't agree!
@Mphahlele, thanks so much....
Much appreciated.
Loll - i agree with Mphalele. It's like she read my mind. Excerpt 1 is a little too (unnecessarily) descriptive. The 2nd bit is amazingly good. A few grammatical mistakes but stuff that would be picked up in editing. But it's really really good. Put some more up!
What era wa sthis written in? Do we still have moving trains in Nigeria? :-D especially with conductors who can wear 3 piece suits? Loll - i love the little subtexts - the conductor with bursting pot belly and 3 sizes too small suits, to the women with their noses in the air and the slight smell of disinfectant. Takes me right there. I wa slike that is soooo true. Nigerians use dettol to clean EVERYTHING. lolll
Again - very good - out some more up! Btw - i really like your blog as you can no doubt guess through all the comments i left on your back catalogue. Adding you to my favourites list. Just put more stuff up soon!
@noni moss,
Thanks for taking the time out to read the excerpt. The story is set in pre independence Nigeria, hence the funtioning trains and the use of slangs that were popular in the fifties and sixties. A lot of research has gone into the bok, and a lot more will be done.....
Thanks again.
Lovely post, pretty descriptive and well narrated, it is really good. You are such a pretty good writer eh!
What did you study at Uni, if I may ask. And are you Xtian because you seem to have a kind spirit.
**Sorry took me so long to drop a comment**
@naijadude,
I studied law at uni, but in all the years since graduation i have not practised for a day......
As for my religious beliefs, i am agnostic.
How have you been dude?
You are a great writer and I'm not just saying that! I noticed some commentators thought excerpt 1 was a bit too descriptive but I thought it was really good so long as it's not the way the entire book will read. Excerpts like this are great littered here and there in a book! Your use of imagery is amazing. The 2nd one is also really good and easier to read and I love how well you set and describe the scenes ... transports the reader right into the heart of it!
Can't wait for you to be finished and published!
@vickii; Thanks so much, cant wait till we are both on the bestseller lists.... :-)
I agree with others that excerpt two is the better one. For me the greater length allows you time to center your prose around a few excellent themes. Your prose is evocative and has a "voice."
I suggest you work on pruning your prose. For example, you description of how the ticket collector accepted condescendingly your ticket starts of well but quickly becomes heavy-handed as you linger too long on this. Try to illustrate his condescension with one sentence. Another instance, although minor, is in excerpt 1 where you use the adjective "rather" twice in the same sentence. This robs the word of its power. One of the few writers who was able to get away with this (sometimes!!!) was Dickens -- it usually worked when it served as a "leitmotif" for the whole novel later one and read very musically (you do this a little with the periodic refence of the Yoruba slang for the Nigerian expats dress).
Overall you show much promise. Keep up the good work. Some reading suggestions - Flannery O'Connor's short stories and novellas, in particular, the short story, "A Good Man Is Hard To Find." Also, George Elliot's "Middlemarch" - one of the few great novels to wed a social critique with a satisfying emotional narrative.
@anonymous
Wow, thanks alot, do come back again would really like to discuss this further with you. Are you a writer?
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