To have and to hold from this day forward,
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
until we are parted by death.
Famous last words, i say........ Famous last words.
A little over six years ago, a friend from my boarding school days got married to his sweetheart, they had known each other for years. As fate would have it they fell in love and decided to spend the rest of their lives together. I admit, i can be a little cynical on the odd occasion, but i truly was hopeful that i was observing the real thing. The wedding was for all intents and purposes a great spectacle. The flower arrangements were perfect, the catering was excellent and the overworked wedding planner truly earned her wages whilst attempting to cater to the whims and caprices of all the big men and women in attendance. They were a truly beautiful couple, he in a black suit, she in a white dress standing in a gazebo on the grounds of one of the nicest hotels i had ever seen. It truly was a sight to behold.
He gave a stirring speech about love, his hopes for the future and his gratitude to the fates for crossing his path with hers. He closed his speech with an emotional recitation of Juke Box Love Song by Langston Hughes, she appeared to wipe a tear from her left eye (considering the fact that she spent a great deal of time having her makeup done that morning, i feel that particular action was performed for dramatic effect. She smiled and hugged her husband deeply. She took the microphone, gave her speech, thanked her parents for raising her and sacrificing a great deal for her (families sure know how to put up a good act in such circumstances). She spoke of how herself and her new husband met at a dance in Sussex(in reality they knew one another in Nigeria prior to moving abroad, and were initially sworn enemies). She ended her work of fiction by reciting A Magic Moment I Remember by Alexander Pushkin.
Think about it, He recited Hughes she read Pushkin, Harlem Renaissance mixed with Romanticism, Moscow on The Hudson, like the cold war never existed. I should have read the omens and realised that their union was doomed, but i remained hopeful. Against this backdrop of hope, hope for a new beginning for them, hope for the future and hope that maybe one day we will all experience true love; we ushered them into matrimony.
The Seven Year Itch (or six in their case)
Fast forward six years, The phone rings. I pick it up.
“Boorish?” the voice says. “It's ......"
"Can we talk"?
"Definitely"
"Boorish, he cant measure up".
"How so?"
"I go out and i meet men that i have more in common with"
"You know i think you are a coquette"
"And?"
"Well maybe you should flirt less".
"Why wouldn't I"?
"He doesn't make an effort with his appearance?"
"I resent the fact that I have to support him financially".
"I was raised with money, and i am used to a certain standard of life".
"I think i am going to leave him".
Unfortunately, she made good her threat and moved on with her life, he is embittered by the whole experience and is quick to tell the world about this evil, materialistic bitch that left him high and dry, with out a pot to piss in. It is easy to vilify the woman in such circumstances, but the truth is that we all have a vision for ourselves and i am sure that if thinfgs were better for him financially and otherwise, she would have been a good wife to him. If his career has carried on its initial trajectory, chances are she would not have left him. If she didn't have to dig into her pockets to keep the home, she might not have been quite so frustrated, and if he hadn't resorted to comfort eating he would not look quite so bovine and maybe they would have some semblance of a sex life.
We all have standards, hopes and aspirations. Maybe we will achieve them and maybe we wont. The truth is that we all have one life to live, and i can see how if she didn't make the jump she would have ended up frustrated and resentful. i am not condoning her actions, i am simply experienced enough to understand where she is coming from. Love comes with conditions, they had a deal, he promised to take care of her, and unfortunately it did not work out that way. I do not see why any man should take a woman out of the relative comfort of her fathers home and make her suffer with you. She might enjoy the thought of struggling with her man, but the reality of it will most probably overwhelm her.
Her situation is a mixture of a number of factors, the seven year itch, her in inherrent narcissism, a downturn in his fortunes and her inability to compromise. As far as i am concerned, she does not deserve to be vilified, that is the person that she is, and he was well aware of it before he married her. He was on a strict time frame and unfortunately she chose to withdraw her favours.
She would have been a good wife in different circumstances, I guess she was not in an enabling environment......
What do you think?
27 comments:
The marriage is not the wedding. opening your life up to someone means compromise. we were not always perfect babies/children but we were always valued to the family...remember that of your spouse
@catwalq:
The spectacle is not the union.......
such a sad situation. it really should be 'for better for worse' but it isnt these days. i guess the combination of him being overweight and broke and not sexually appealing took its toll on this lady. though you may not blame her id like to hear the full story. did she do all in her capacity to assist him with building his confidence financially and healthwise or did she give up on the premise that he didnt match up to her expectations? whatever the case divorce seems to be so common these days. a far cry from our parents' years. mr scotland
first a guy shouldn't even commit to a marriage if he's financially unstable and cannot cater for a family, that's just wrong.
But then don't we all know dat things don't always work out as planned..
She should not be vilified, i agree. Life is too short to spend it with the wrong person, maybe she realised this way before the 6 year itch, perhaps all the things he didn't do did overwhelm her. Perhaps she just did not love him anymore. Whatever her reasons, he should see this as a point of starting again.
Sometimes we can compromise in life, sometimes we can't. That's just the way life is, as bitter a pill that maybe.
@ifakili:
Maybe they should never have been married.
You are quite right. The enviroment was not enabling!!!
Tis not easy to love when the environment isn't enabling i agree ....
....but she (infact they) did sign up "for better for worse"
Am not sure her reasons were strong enuff. She was 2 quick to jump ship.
@Eknoreda:
The tragedy of it all was that, has the circumstances been different, they would have been happy.
@fluffycutething:
For better for worse?
Famous last words.....
@blackjamesbond:
People generally do not have great loves. What they have is interests, a woman will do what suits her and when it does.
That my friend is the reality of life.
"Till death do us part"...personally that says it all for me...
Hence the reason a single folk's eyes must be open and very much so before marriage and right after that...no going back!!!
we are all learning anyways
I love the way you write,
the way you bring out your view,
without judging you tell it has it is.
Nice piece.
yes, she was not in an enabling environment,lol, better selfish than unhappy.
Marriage is not all fairy tales and kisses, there is a down to earth part of it, that love is just not enough to fix, so yeah be in love and also be damn realistic.
@omohemi - hear, hear!!! a healthy dose of reality is really needed.
It's all well and good to get out of a bad situation but what ever happened to the sanctity of a vow.Heck, what happened to sanctity?
Not simply sanctity in the sense of religion but in the age old value of 'my word is my bond'.
We (gen xers) r so frivolous - i wonder what real impact we're going to make in this world when we're gone!
@no linit
True words.
it is one thing to make the vows, however sticking t them is totally different.
@Omohemi:
thanks for the compliment.
i agree, love must be tempered with realism.
@ibilola@
gen xers are narsissistic, selfish and cynical. God help us.
I agree with Catwalq.
they both could have tried harder
but then again-its better to be alone than to be stuck with someone whom you are unhappy with
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
who is this anonymous that keeps saying the same comment over and over especially if its been long u've writtern, i bet he/she has neva read anythn from the blogs.
sorry, i think marriage is hard but it should be forever.marriage is for the strong hearted, there's an option of not getting married at all. do they have kids?i also want to beleive she could have worked harder at it.the post is close to home though.
Interesting blog you got here. I'd like to read a bit more concerning that matter. Thanx for sharing this data.
very interesting because she might seem a b****, because things might have gotten better, what if it didnt ...............but reality is she might have made amistake........but if she moves on, she redeems, her time...........as for the wedding...........so it happens, we better get used to it, whoever said big weddongs imply good marriages........
"in reality they knew one another in Nigeria prior to moving abroad, and were initially sworn enemies). "
This did it for me... she started out with a lie because the reality of it for her was not enough, hence her fairy tale lie protected her from the reality of it all.
The man has always been a slob, but she didnt see that either. Though I believe it was his responsibility to take good care of himself, it is her responsility to ensure it in a way. We develop eachother type of arrangement. Sorry for them none the less.
women leave for a number of reasons and i would never fault a woman who does! well written post. am new to blogville do visit my blog am sure you will find that alot goes on in our generation! please send others to my blog. Thanks borish!
@ unwind
"women leave for a number of reasons"
They sure do, and unfortunately from my experience they never tell you directly what those reasons are - leaving the guy with no closure and hideously doubting everything.
To my last long term girlfriend I wrote a long constructive letter explaining why I thought the reasons she gave for leaving seemed strange or spurious to me and explained why I thought so. She sent a short email saying that I have made some 'very good points' and that she agreed with much of what I had written. She then stated that she was going to write me a letter anyway and that she would now definitely do so.
A year later and still nothing. Would one blame someone for such a lack of respect and regard for another human being who was clearly suffering?
No surprises here I'm afraid...for better or for worse ke....(A figment of ones imagination in this day and age).......
She should however not hide behind lame excuses, 'I don't love you or I'm no longer in Love with you' would have sufficed n been far more sincere.
Money, weight, current circumstance and anything else spewing forth from her are no more than lame ecuses showing her inherent selfishness.
Escuses are after all the nails that houses of failure are built with. 'Good ridance I say to unworthy trash'
I'm not unreasonable though. We all should live an enjoyable life or strive too, but my comment are based on simple reality in the world we live in. Eg.
What if he excelled in all quaters only to lose the material wealth due to some mishap of financial error casting them back to sq one, she'd jump ship then also......(Based on the character trait).
No surprises here I'm afraid...for better or for worse ke....(A figment of ones imagination in this day and age).......
She should however not hide behind lame excuses, 'I don't love you or I'm no longer in Love with you' would have sufficed n been far more sincere.
Money, weight, current circumstance and anything else spewing forth from her are no more than lame ecuses showing her inherent selfishness.
Escuses are after all the nails that houses of failure are built with. 'Good ridance I say to unworthy trash'
I'm not unreasonable though. We all should live an enjoyable life or strive too, but my comment are based on simple reality in the world we live in. Eg.
What if he excelled in all quaters only to lose the material wealth due to some mishap of financial error casting them back to sq one, she'd jump ship then also......(Based on the character trait).
No surprises here I'm afraid...for better or for worse ke....(A figment of ones imagination in this day and age).......
She should however not hide behind lame excuses, 'I don't love you or I'm no longer in Love with you' would have sufficed n been far more sincere.
Money, weight, current circumstance and anything else spewing forth from her are no more than lame ecuses showing her inherent selfishness.
Escuses are after all the nails that houses of failure are built with. 'Good ridance I say to unworthy partners'
I'm not unreasonable though. We all should live an enjoyable life or strive too, but my comment are based on simple reality in the world we live in. Eg.
What if he excelled in all quaters only to lose the material wealth due to some mishap of financial error casting them back to sq one, she'd jump ship then also......(Based on the character trait)lucky for him six years is all he lost.
The funny thing is that the older I get, the more I'm able to understand situations. my younger self would have romanticized the whole situation and vilified her but the me now sees that relationships come w/ strings, certain parameters that we allow or don't allow. She was well within her right to make the choice she made. And the thing is that I don't think I sound callous in my assertion. She did what she needed to do in order to maintain. I feel bad for the guy. Hopefully he'll learn a lesson from this and love according to his parameters.
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